Forgiving What You Can't Forget

“How can you forgive when you can't forget?" Join me, Monique Simmons, as I discuss the intricate journey of forgiveness. We explore the complexities of forgiveness, how traumatic events can linger in our bodies, and the impact of recurring memories and triggers. With insights from "The Body Keeps the Score," we discuss the importance of seeking professional help, like therapy, to manage these challenges. This episode is packed with personal anecdotes and practical advice, aiming to provide both encouragement and guidance for those wrestling with letting go of past hurts while maintaining their emotional and spiritual health.

Discover the true essence of forgiveness and why it's a conscious choice rather than a fleeting feeling. I share my personal experiences with therapies like EMDR, which have been instrumental in recalling suppressed memories and aiding the forgiveness process. Emphasizing forgiveness as essential for personal well-being and spiritual growth, I highlight how daily choices to forgive can free us from the control of past hurts. Let's embark on this journey together and build a supportive community through shared experiences and conversations. Engage with us and find the strength to embrace forgiveness and reclaim your joy.

Chapters

• 0:06 Forgiving What You Can't Forget
• 6:36 True Forgiveness and Letting Go
• 20:26 The Power of Forgiveness

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:06

What's up, guys? Welcome to Demo with Mo. I'm your host, monique Simmons. We'll be discussing dating, engaged and married objectives from a young Christian's perspective. Are you guys ready? Let's dive in. Hey, what's up, guys? Welcome to a new episode of Demo with Mo. I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we are going to be discussing forgiving what you can't forget.

Speaker 1: 0:36

As I am recording this live, tonight I am going to be meeting with some members from my podcast group, which is called Dating, engage and Merit Objectives. If you are not a part of that group, this is a plug here to come on over to Facebook and join our community. I would love to have you. If you've been here for a while, you know this. Periodically, we have these sessions called let's Talk, where we meet up via Zoom, and we have these sessions called let's Talk, where we meet up via Zoom, and we have different discussions around topics that we all face in relationships and marriages, and the group votes on the topic that they want to discuss, and the topic that they voted on to talk about this evening is going to be forgiving what you can't forget, and I thought this would be a perfect subject to bring here on the podcast because it's such a great topic that so many of us deal with, not only in our romantic relationships and our marriages, but just in life in general.

Speaker 1: 1:39

We've all been hurt or betrayed or disappointed, or something happened where we harbored unforgiveness in our heart and we needed to let it go, or we needed to forgive, but we didn't know how. Maybe we wanted to, we desired to If you are a Christian or a believer because this is the perspective that I always will come from, because this is a podcast from a young Christian woman's perspective but we know that's something that God requires of us. So we we probably have those things in mind, but we know that it's not always that easy, because sometimes you want to forgive, you desire to forgive, you know you should, but what if it keeps coming back up? What if I keep remembering it? What if the thoughts keep coming back? What if I'm triggered? This is a word you hear in society, on social media, on TV. You hear this word a lot.

Speaker 1: 2:41

I'm triggered, but basically something happens to remind me of it, maybe a song on the radio, maybe a show or a movie I'm watching and this person does it to their partner, or any number of things. Or maybe you did something to remind me of moments before the betrayal years ago and now you're doing something to remind me of that again. Are you going to hurt me again? Are you going to betray me again? Are you going to do something where my guard has to go back up? So something happens to remind you and you can't forget it, even though you want to forgive and for a lot of you you have forgiven, and that's something we're going to talk about as well. But for some of you you have forgiven, but for some reason, because you can't forget it, it keeps coming up. Because you're human. You know God says, as far as from the East is from the West. He gets rid of our sins. Once he forgives us, it's gone. You know. He doesn't bring it up, he doesn't remember it anymore, meaning he's not going to hold it over us, he's not going to count it against us, it's forgiven, it's completely erased. But we're human. Our brain, our body, it doesn't work like that. It remembers.

Speaker 1: 4:02

I'm currently reading this book and I've been on a break from the book and I probably should get back into it. And you guys, I'm just having thoughts out loud with you as we're talking, but I was reading a book before my surgery. The Body Keeps the Score and it was such a great book. Because things happen in your life, even through your childhood, your adolescence, as you become an adult, and I've had so many things to happen and this is real for me and I'm sure some of you can relate. I've had so many things to happen, and let me not say so many. I've had some things to happen to me, and some very traumatic, that my memory, my mind, does not remember, because for some people they remember everything. I'm not one of those people. There are a lot of things I do not remember.

Speaker 1: 4:55

I can be talking to you, you can be reminiscing about childhood days and all of the things that happened and I wouldn't be able to relate because there are a lot of things that I don't remember and our body protects us that way when something traumatic has happened to you and for the people who have experienced this, if you've never experienced this, if you've never, if you have no idea what I'm talking about, be thankful, be grateful that you don't. You shouldn't have to. This is not something that you want to be able to relate to is what I'm trying to say. But people who have experienced traumatic things in their life. Their body protects them from remembering certain things, from remembering certain details, from remembering certain things, from remembering certain details and some things you really do forget. Because your body is protecting you from remembering those things. Because if you remember, it would impact you in such a way that you probably wouldn't be able to live your normal day-to-day life the way that you are able to do and I said all that to say because in the book when it talked about the body keeps the score it mentioned a lot of these things and in the work that I'm doing in therapy, when I first began to see my therapist and you guys, go do your research I'm not going to dig into a rabbit hole here because I can't If I start talking about it but when I first started seeing my therapist, I specifically found my therapist because of the specific type of therapy that I was looking for.

Speaker 1: 6:36

It wasn't a coincidence, it wasn't by happenstance, it was from me doing a lot of research, a lot of deep diving and figuring out what kind of therapy was going to work for me, because I had already been in talk therapy and I had kind of hit the ceiling for myself personally with that I didn't need talk therapy anymore. I needed some other things, and I won't again. I won't go into detail with all of that because again I'll get into a rabbit hole but there were some specific things that I was looking for and I've talked about this on previous podcast episodes. But one of the things that I did, one of the methods that my therapist used in the beginning stages of my therapy when I started seeing her, was EMDR. My therapy when I started seeing her was EMDR and it was something that helped bring up some things in the past that I couldn't remember. And it helped me. And that wasn't the specific reason when we started, but in those sessions it did help bring up some things for me, help bring up some things for me.

Speaker 1: 7:43

So, again, getting back to the subject at hand, we're human, so a lot of things we won't forget. It's just being realistic. You're going to remember those times that people hurt you. You're going to remember those times people disappointed you or betrayed you or did something or said something they shouldn't, or put your business out to somebody or said hurtful things. Whatever it is that you have to forgive or that you have forgiven in the past, you're going to remember it.

Speaker 1: 8:14

Now, what does it really mean to forgive when you can't forget, because some of us have forgiven and sometimes you can think you haven't forgiven because you're still reminded of it? I've heard this multiple times. With having a relationship podcast and having a relationship podcast community, I have the privilege of being able to talk to a lot of different couples, a lot of singles that are dating, a lot of people who have had their heart broken or had a lot of reasons where they needed to forgive someone or needed to be forgiven. So I've had the privilege of having to hear a lot of different perspectives and talk to a lot of different people. And sometimes people think they haven't forgiven because all of the things are still coming up for them, they're still being triggered, they're still being reminded, they can't forget. These thoughts are still coming up. That does not necessarily mean you have not forgiven. When you forgiven truly forgiven it doesn't mean that the thoughts won't come up because they will. It doesn't mean that sometimes you won't be triggered because sometimes you will. It doesn't mean that some things won't remind you of it, like a song on a radio, a scene in a movie, because sometimes it will. That's just being realistic, because we're human, we're flawed individuals.

Speaker 1: 9:52

But what true forgiveness looks like? Because I'm sure you've heard this before forgiveness is a choice. It's not a feeling, because our feelings change. One day, yeah, I felt like I was forgiving you. It was beautiful, I was happy to forgive you, everything was all good. But two weeks down the line, I was upset, I was triggered. Something reminded me of it. My feelings have changed. That's why forgiveness is a choice, because every day you wake up, you have to choose this over and over and over again, no matter how you feel. True forgiveness, real forgiveness, is. I'm not going to hold this over your head anymore. I want to free you of this debt, this debt that you owe me, because that's what it is when I harbor unforgiveness towards you. You owe me a debt and this debt has to be paid.

Speaker 1: 10:47

But true forgiveness is whether that person comes to you or not, because the beautiful thing is, yes, they will come to you, they will take accountability, they would admit their faults, their wrongdoings, make it right. Now, that is beautiful. That's what we would wish everybody would do. Everybody's not going to do that. Everybody is not there, and there are some people that hurt you that you will never be able to make your right with in that way, because some people have died and gone on, some people you don't have relationship with, because it could have been a stranger. It could have been someone who I won't even go into all of the things that could have happened but it could have been a stranger on the street. This could have been a one off, where this happened while you were off at college or at the store purchasing something in the parking lot. Like it doesn't always have to be people that you are in relationship with. These can be people you don't even know who they are. It could have done hurt or harm or danger to you. So sometimes we don't always have the opportunity of being in the presence of that person, being in relationship with that person or even wanting to be in relationship or in the presence of that person where we can get that acknowledgement or that accountability from them. But sometimes this is a choice that we just have to make, because this is another one of those things that I'm sure you have heard and may even sound cliche to you, but it is a true statement Forgiveness is for you, it's for you, because this person or people will go on with their life.

Speaker 1: 12:35

They will go, live their lives however their life is, and you will be the one harboring that hurt, harboring that pain. It will hinder you. It will hinder your walk with God. If you are a Christian or believer, I'm sure you know this. God says we have to forgive If we want forgiveness from him. And I'm not talking about the forgiveness of salvation, because if you've given your life to him, that's it. Christ paid it all, he did it all. He redeemed us, he saved us. There's nothing else you need to do after that and that's a whole nother conversation for a whole nother podcast episode. But if you are mature in your faith, you know this and you understand this.

Speaker 1: 13:20

I'm not talking about that kind of forgiveness.

Speaker 1: 13:23

Once you have received Christ and you are saved, there's nothing else that you need to do for your salvation, because there is nothing that you can do. Christ did it all. But I'm talking about your day-to-day relationship and walk with him. You cannot go on in your relationship with Christ and go to him and want to pray to him and talk to him and ask him for things and ask him to forgive you when you fall short, and ask him to bless you and bless your finances and take care of your children and give you wisdom and direction and to give you peace of mind and to take care of your health and all of the things that you go to God and ask him for and talk to him about. He said in his word if you don't forgive others, don't expect that same forgiveness from me. So he requires us to forgive. Okay, so it hinders our walk with Christ when we don't forgive. Not only does it hinder our walk in our relationship with Christ.

Speaker 1: 14:33

Unforgiveness affects our health, our mental health, our emotional health, our physical health. We can have high blood pressure, we can have migraines and headaches, we can be stressed. Because unforgiveness shows up. You can look at people and tell whether they want to admit it or not. If you just be honest and real with yourself, it shows all over you, it affects you. Your heart ain't right. You mad and upset, your face frowned up. You want to smile, you want to be happy, you want to have joy, you want to be happy about life and you want to appreciate the things in your life. But you can't because that unforgiveness is all over you. It's like poison, it's just. It's just affecting every part of you and there's nothing that you can do outside of forgiving that you can do outside of forgiving.

Speaker 1: 15:36

And forgiveness does not justify or make right or okay what the other person did. Please let me say that it does not justify, make right or okay what the other person did to hurt you. That is not what forgiveness is saying. Forgiveness is just relinquishing the debt, not holding it over them anymore, making yourself free and, especially if you are a Christian or a believer, you are relinquishing control over to God. God, I give this thing over to you. It is no longer mine, it is yours. Do with it as you will. Your will be done, and God is a righteous and just God. Do you hear me?

Speaker 1: 16:23

There are so many things that have happened, things that have happened even in the last couple years, where people have people that I love. These are not strangers on the street, people that I love, who have hurt me, who have disappointed me, who I thought would do right by me, who have walked out of my life, out of my family, my children's lives, people that I love now. These are people who I love, who I expected more from, but they hurt me and in my flesh, in my natural, in my natural self if I wanted to be unforgiving, have resentment, harbor bitterness in my natural self. What the world say, what people out in the world would say is I would be justified If I was to tell you the things that they've done, the things that they've said, the way that they have treated me, the people in the world, the people who don't know God, who are not walking with God. And no offense or judgment to them, because this was my way of thinking when I was out in the world, because this is just what's natural to us.

Speaker 1: 17:49

This is how we are. We're born in sin, shaped in iniquity. This is just how our mind thinks Outside of God. This is how my mind thinks, because I want to do the complete opposite of what God wants me to do. I want to do the complete opposite of what God's word tells me to do. It is only by the grace of God and the Holy Spirit that I'm able to walk upright and do the things that God has called me to do. It is only by the grace of God and the Holy Spirit that I'm able to walk upright and do the things that God has called me to do. And I don't even get that right all the time.

Speaker 1: 18:16

But what the world would say is I would be justified to be unforgiven, to have resentment, to be bitter, to talk bad. That's what the world would say. But God tells me the complete opposite. God tells me to cast my cares on him, for he cares for me. And that's real, because God cares about the things that you care about. God is concerned. So it's not. He's not saying that what they did is okay. He's not saying that they're going to get away with the things that they've done to you, the hurt that they've caused you, the harm that they put upon you. He's not saying that God says vengeance is mine that mean there will be vengeance.

Speaker 1: 19:09

It may not look like the world's vengeance, it may not be the way you think it should be or you want it to be, but God is a righteous and just God. So don't think, because you forgive, that people are justified, that what they did was okay, that they're getting off with something. So if you holding on to unforgiveness because you think because if you forgive, did was okay, that they're getting off with something, so if you holding on to unforgiveness because you think because if you forgive, everything is okay, it's not. God cares about you, he's gonna take care of you, he's gonna see about you and also, he's just and righteous. Nobody will get away with hurting or harming you. Trust me and believe me. I've seen it time and time again Again. It may not look the way you desire it. You want it to look, the way the world says for it to look, but God has a perfect, perfect way. His will is perfect, without fault. Vengeance is his Believe that. So let's talk about what forgiveness is.

Speaker 1: 20:26

Forgiveness is a conscious decision to let go of negative feelings such as anger, resentment or hostility towards someone who has wronged you. Do you have anybody you need to forgive? I'm sure some names came up, even if you don't say it out loud, you don't want to admit it to anyone, you don't want to admit it to yourself, but I'm sure there's some names. Some people came to mind. I encourage you to forgive them and I encourage you to ask God to help you to forgive them, and not only just say you forgive them, but continue to choose to do it every day, every day you wake up, and the more you begin to do it, the more natural it'll begin to be for you, the easily you will begin to be able to forgive and I'm speaking from experience. I'm not saying this as someone who doesn't understand. There was a time it was hard for me to forgive. I remembered everything, but now I cast my cares on God.

Speaker 1: 21:38

The example that I gave you about the people in my life who I love, who hurt me, who've walked out, walked out of my life, walked out of my husband, my children's life no unforgiveness there, no resentment there, no bitterness there. Won't hear me talking negatively about anyone. They have my prayers. I wish them the best. Could things have happened differently? Yes, do I wish or did I desire things to be done differently? Yes, I do, absolutely. Was I hurt? Was I disappointed? Yes, yes, I was. But do I trust God? I do. So I encourage you. I encourage you to step out and let's take faith. It's one of them things that also takes faith.

Speaker 1: 22:40

Forgiveness takes faith because sometimes you don't want to forgive, because you don't want to look weak. You don't want to look like the person is justified or okay by what they did. You don't want them to feel like they got over on you. You don't want to let go of it because you want to handle it. You want the outcome to be what you want the outcome to be. You want vengeance to be yours instead of God's. There are so many reasons why we hold on to unforgiveness so many reasons, but I encourage you to let go and truly be free, because that's freedom.

Speaker 1: 23:21

On the other side of forgiveness, other people may not understand. People out in the world may not understand. You may have friends who don't understand. You may have family that don't understand, and not because they don't want to. They just don't know how you can be hurt or betrayed or disappointed or made a fool of, or how someone who claims to love you could just walk away or whatever they did. They don't understand how you could forgive that. Get past that. Move on from that. Not let it harden your heart, not let it change you, not let it turn you into or reacting or responding the way they did. They don't always understand that, and that's okay. You be the example. You show them what forgiveness can look like. You forgive for you.

Speaker 1: 24:27

You be free, and if someone hurts you or betrays you or disappoints you or does something that requires you to forgive them, do you want to give them something else? Do you want to let them control your life as well? With unforgiveness. You want to give them that too. So not only do you hurt me or disappoint me or betray me or mistreat me, but you also get to control the rest of my life, hinder my walk with God, hinder my relationship with my spouse or my children or on my job, take away my joy and my smile and my happiness, take away my freedom, affect my health, my mental health, my physical health, my emotional health. I'm also going to let you affect those things and take away those things from me? I think not. I'm taking back everything, everything that belongs to me and that can start with forgiveness.

Speaker 1: 25:42

All right, guys, I hope you have enjoyed today's episode. Remember to rate, review and subscribe to the podcast wherever you listen. Also, I wanted to tell you, guys, we have a new thing going on now. Wherever you listen to the podcast, if you go to the show notes the first, right at the beginning of the show notes you will see send us a text message that will come directly to me. Send me something, shoot me a message, something encouraging. Let me know if you enjoyed the episode, if you are enjoying the podcast, something you're interested in hearing more of, just reach out to me, let me know how this podcast is helping you wherever you are, and I will shout you out on the next podcast episode. Remember, I love you, but God loves you so much more. I'll talk to you guys next week. Bye, I hope you guys have enjoyed Follow me on Facebook. At Demo with Mo. If you have any questions you would like answered here live on my podcast, email them to me. At Demo with Mo at gmailcom. That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O at gmailcom.