Building Intimacy Through Communication

What if your partner doesn't feel safe enough to share their deepest thoughts with you? In today's episode of Demo with Mo we explore the essential role that communication plays in building intimacy within relationships. We reflect on our behaviors and consider if we truly provide a safe space for our partners to express their issues and concerns without fear of being dismissed or criticized. This episode is a thought-provoking journey into the dynamics of creating environments where both parties feel heard, validated, and emotionally secure.

We discuss the impact of being dismissive, defensive, or harsh, and how such actions can damage the foundation of trust and open dialogue. Self-reflection and allocating dedicated time for meaningful conversations can transform the way we communicate with our loved ones. I emphasize that this journey requires patience, vulnerability, and consistent effort, aiming to cultivate a healthier, more thriving relationship where both partners feel valued and understood. The insights shared in this episode shine a light on the importance of nurturing a space where emotional intimacy can flourish.

Finally, we dive into practical strategies that can help you establish more effective communication within your relationship. Learn how to use "I statements" to express your feelings without blame, practice active listening to truly understand your partner's perspective, and recognize the necessity of compromise for mutual satisfaction. Don't miss this enriching discussion on building intimacy through communication on Demo with Mo!

Chapters

• 0:06 Building Intimacy Through Communication
• 9:01 Creating Safe Communication Spaces
• 17:11 Establishing Effective Communication in Relationships
• 27:15 Connecting With Mo

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:06

what's up, guys? Welcome to demo with mo. I'm your host, monique simmons. We'll be discussing dating, engaged and married objectives from a young christian's perspective. Are you guys ready? Let's dive in. Hey, what's up, guys? Welcome to a new episode of Demo with Mo. I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we are going to be discussing can your partner talk to you?

Speaker 1: 0:38

On today's episode, I have been reflecting and thinking about this, on being able to talk with your partner or your spouse. Is this something you're able to do? I want you to also begin to think about that in your personal relationship, whether you're in a committed relationship or if you're married, is your partner or your spouse able to come and talk to you if there are problems going on in a relationship? Is there if there's conflict, if there's something on their mind, if there's something they just want to vent to you about or discuss with you, or something they just want to maybe divulge to you, or just anything, maybe something that doesn't even have to deal with you, but they just you're the person that they trust. You're the person that they love, you're their person and you are the person that they want to talk with. Whatever it is that's going on in their head you're the person that they want to talk to it about. Are they able to talk to you, especially if it's something that concerns you guys in a relationship or the marriage? Are they able to come to you? Are they able to come to you not just talk to you per se, meaning they can come to you and share it with you but are they able to come to you in a way where they feel safe, they'll feel heard, they'll feel validated, they'll feel seen. You won't dismiss them, you won't get defensive, you won't feel like it's an attack against you. If they bring something up, maybe an issue in a relationship, something that they feel they can be done differently in a relationship, maybe something that can be worked on between the two of you, maybe something that they've noticed that they want to talk about and work out or work through together. Whatever it is, are they able to come talk to you? Can your partner or spouse come talk to you and vice versa? Are you able to talk to your partner or spouse come talk to you and vice versa? Are you able to talk to your partner or your spouse or do they dismiss you or do they invalidate you, your feelings? Do they not hear you, do they get defensive? Do they call you critical? Do you feel like you're never doing enough? You can never get it right? And this is from either side. This is not one way. And this can be man or woman. This is not a one way, one sex, one person in a relationship. This is vice versa.

Speaker 1: 3:19

I really want you to take a moment before we dive into this conversation and I know I'm doing this a little different than I usually do but I really want you to sit with this for a minute to really reflect on yourself personally, because it's easy to point the finger, it's easy to see what your partner or your spouse does or doesn't do, but I really want you to sit with it for a minute and to think about them, but also think about yourself, because I'm sure when I ask the first question, can you talk to your partner or your spouse? I'm sure you could quickly come up with an answer, especially if that answer is no. I'm sure you could quickly come up with an answer, especially if the answer is no. I'm sure you came up with that fast. But I also want you to reflect for a minute. Take a moment to look in the mirror. Take a moment to do a little reflection and not even answer from your own perspective. But if I was sitting down having a conversation with your partner or your spouse, what would they say to me if they were being truly honest? And maybe you don't know, because I'm going to tell you something If your partner or your spouse doesn't feel like they can talk to you, you probably won't even know the answer to this question, because they probably haven't been honest with you, because they can't talk to you.

Speaker 1: 4:55

They don't even feel comfortable saying that to you If we're being honest. So I really want you to take a moment and really think about it. Am I able to talk to my partner? I'm talking about really talk to them. I'm not talking about that on the surface stuff where we are handling business. We're talking about the kids If we got to do pickup and drop offs and taking care of the bills and you know just enough conversation where we can still be in relationship with one another.

Speaker 1: 5:31

But I'm talking about true, intimate conversation that builds intimacy in our relationship and in our marriages, where we really get to know one another and we can build that connection and grow in our relationships, where we can really even those uncomfortable things, those things that may hurt our feelings, because that's a lot of times why we can't talk to one another, because one of or both people in a relationship may not want to get uncomfortable. You usually get defensive or dismiss the partner because you don't want to deal with that uncomfortability. You don't want somebody to say you're doing something wrong but you don't want to feel like you're being attacked or you can't get anything right. And that may not your partner more likely, if they love you and it's coming from a genuine place of bringing up things that concern them, or they want to grow or they want to be better, it's not coming from a place of coming from that place of wanting to attack you or be critical or hurt you or demean you or from that type of negative place, but from a place of there may be an issue here or something that I see here or something that I don't want to avoid that could hurt us down the road.

Speaker 1: 6:59

But I want us to be in a great place. I want to build us up. I want us to be the best we can be. I want to create more intimacy here. I want to know you better. I want to love you better. I want to know you, I want to be known by you. I want to be safe with you. I want to feel safe with you.

Speaker 1: 7:21

But if we only see our partner or our spouses from a place of they're attacking us, we can never do anything right. I got to have my wall and my guard up. They'll never feel comfortable talking to us. We'll never be able to build that intimacy with one another. They'll feel dismissed by us. Their feelings will never be validated in a relationship or marriage will never be what we want it to be. And I know that's not what either person in a relationship truly desires, because both people in a relationship want to be seen, they want to be known, they want to be loved, they want to be respected, they want to be heard. Man or woman, that's what we all want. So I hope you've had a minute to really reflect on that, to see where are you in your relationship. And if you don't know where your partner or your spouse is, I encourage you, I really hope, by the end of this episode, if you don't know, that you would take the chance and this is vulnerability that you would take the chance to open up and ask them are you able to talk to me, like really talk to me beyond the surface level stuff, like, do you feel comfortable talking to me? And if yes, that's beautiful. And if no, what can I do to create that atmosphere? What can I do differently?

Speaker 1: 9:01

What have I been doing in the past and presently to make you feel like you can't talk to me? Have I been defensive? Have I been dismissive? Have I not validated your feelings? Have I been dismissive? Have I not validated your feelings? Have I cut you off? Have I been harsh? Have I treated you unfairly? Was I angry? Was I mean? Was I bitter? Was I short? What did I do to make you feel like you weren't safe with me? You couldn't talk to me, I would not hear you, I wouldn't listen to you.

Speaker 1: 9:41

What did I do and what could I do differently going forward, because I want you to know that you are safe with me. I love you and I care about you, and the things that concern you concern me as well. Because I love you, you're my partner. You're my partner, you're my person. You're the person that I've chose to do life with. You are the person that I've committed myself to and I'm sorry that my actions have not reflected that and it's more to me than just words. But I want my actions, I want my life to reflect that in the way that I treat you, in the way that I talk to you, in my tone, in my demeanor.

Speaker 1: 10:22

What can I do going forward? And I know there's vulnerability, I know there's transparency. I know that may sound scary and it may not be easy to do, but this is what your partner or your spouse needs from you to feel safe and this is not gonna be a one-off thing. They may not even feel safe talking to you or be able to talk to you beyond surface level things off, this one-time effort, this one-time conversation, but it's a start. It's the beginning to a new beginning in your relationship or your marriage. But you have to start somewhere. But as long as you continue down the same road that you've been going and I don't know what that looks like in your relationship but it started somewhere to get you to a place. But it started somewhere to get you to a place If your partner is not comfortable talking to you or they don't feel safe with you to share, to share themselves, to share their hearts, to really open up with you. It's something that got them here. They did not just get there. There are some things that have transpired and happened in the relationship that has got them here. So there are going to have to be some things to happen and transpire to get them to feel safe. It won't be a one-time thing, so you're going to have to be patient and you're going to have to trust the process, but they will eventually begin to feel safe with you. But you're going to have to do the work. So let's do the work. Let's do the work.

Speaker 1: 11:59

I started this podcast because I have a heart and a passion for relationships and marriages and families, because I want to see people thriving. I want to see families in a healthy place. I want to see relationships and marriages in a beautiful place, the way God desires for them to be. And this is not because I have a perfect relationship and a perfect marriage and in a in a perfect family, because I don't. I don't. I struggle and I'm trying to grow and I'm trying to learn and I'm trying to get there, just like everyone else who is striving and doing the work. But that's the thing. I'm striving and I'm doing the work, and that was the whole point of me starting this podcast. That was the whole point. So you can be encouraged and know there are people just like you who are striving and trying to do the work too. You are not alone in the things that you struggle with, in the things that you face in your day-to-day, especially as Christians and believers, because the enemy hates marriage. He hates marriage, especially Christian marriages. He hates it. So we're always under attack. So it seems like it's always a struggle and it's always spiritual warfare. But I just want you to know you are not alone.

Speaker 1: 13:29

So some tips for talking with your partner. So, before talking, before you even want to start having a conversation with your partner, take a minute to reflect. Take some time out to think about what exactly it is you want to talk about with your partner. Try identifying, like, what is it? What's the issue? What is it that I want to bring up with my partner? Try to get your thoughts together. What exactly it is that I need to talk with my partner. Try to get your thoughts together. What exactly it is that I need to talk with my partner or my spouse about. Like don't just go in and kind of be all over the place, like if it's a specific issue that you guys are dealing with or something that you want to bring up to your partner. Kind of have in mind exactly what it is that you want to talk about with your partner. Next, make some time or set aside some time that you want to talk with your partner. Don't just out the blue, especially if it's something important Some of you guys been dealing with, especially something that's going to be hard or uncomfortable, because some conversations are just uncomfortable.

Speaker 1: 14:36

Finances is a conversation that can be uncomfortable for my husband and I, like this is not just something. We've both worked an eight hour, nine, ten hour work day, been dealing with the kids coming home, we've done extracurricular activities. We've come home from a long day, we're both tired, we're ready for bed and we just finna come home, get ready for bed and start talking about finances. No, we're setting ourselves up for disaster. It's just not going to work out. It's going to end in an argument. It's just we're setting ourselves up for failure.

Speaker 1: 15:17

Be strategic with making time. Be intentional about setting time and not just you setting the time. Whichever partner wants to have the conversation, let your partner or your spouse know If my husband and I need to talk about finances. And, let's say, wednesdays are usually a more laid back day for us because we don't have any, usually we don't have any extracurricular activities on Wednesdays. It's a more chill day for us. Wednesday would be a good day for us so I could reach out to him days in advance and say, wednesday, can you set aside some time to talk so we can talk about our finances seven o'clock Wednesday night? I've gave him days notice to let him know Wednesday at seven o'clock we need to talk about our finances. So this has gave us ample, this has given us both ample enough time to kind of wrap our minds around. This is already. We both know this is going to be one of those conversations. We it's not fun, it's not a fun conversation, but we have enough time to get our minds around. Okay, we're going to be talking about finances, so we can already kind of have some things or topics or points that we whatever.

Speaker 1: 16:41

Because I like to talk about vacations, I like to talk about trips, those are important things for me. Like I want to talk about those things. I want to talk. I like talking about budgeting, like it's, those are the important and I'm just using this as an example, budgeting. Those things are important to me. My husband has specific things that may be important to him, so that gives us time like these are things that he wants to talk about. These are things that I want to talk about.

Speaker 1: 17:11

It's not a spur of the moment thing, it's not something that was thrown on one person, because with some conversations that you want to talk about, it may be important to one person but it may not be important to the other person. Or it may be uncomfortable for one person but it's not uncomfortable to the other person. So one person may not want to have a conversation but the other person does. That's not fair to the person that doesn't want to have the conversation but the other person does. That's not fair to the person that doesn't want to have the conversation, or it's not fair to the person that is uncomfortable for. So, with you guys setting the time in advance, that makes it fair across the board, because even a person that is uncomfortable for, or the person that doesn't want to have the conversation, they've had enough time to plan, to get their mind right, to pray about it, if they need to pray about it, to write some notes. If they need to write notes. Whatever the person or both people need to do is giving them enough time to do it. So make some time, set aside some time, be intentional about that part In your conversation.

Speaker 1: 18:15

Next, in your conversation conversation you can use, or you should let me be clear on that you should use I statements. This is something that I learned in therapy, um, a few years ago with our couple therapists um, whenever you're expressing something, especially regarding your feelings, you should always say I, I feel, I, you personally putting it on you because this is how you feel, this is how you see it, this is your interpretation. Don't put it on the other person. See it, this is your interpretation. Don't put it on the other person. Don't come in, because it comes off like you're attacking them or you're putting the blame on them, and what you're saying may not even be factual. It's just your perspective or your opinion or your feelings towards something. So use I statements in regarding to that. Be clear and whatever it is that you want to talk about Next, listen, be open to listening, and this is kind of what I talked about when we opened up.

Speaker 1: 19:34

Can your partner talk to you? This is going to be a vital piece of your partner being comfortable talking to you. Because if your partner or spouse comes to talk to you and they feel like you don't listen to them, you invalidate them. You dismiss them. You're defensive. Every time they say something, it's just like what they say doesn't matter. You cut them off. You tell them they shouldn't feel that way. That's a dismiss. You're dismissing them Like what they say it doesn't matter, it's not true. You shouldn't feel that way. You have to be open to listening, even if you don't agree. Listen, just stop talking and listen.

Speaker 1: 20:23

Sometimes, when we're talking to other people, even if we're quiet, we're not actively listening. We're hearing them, but we're just waiting to respond. We're putting our next thoughts together. I'm listening enough to respond to exactly what you're saying, but I'm not listening to comprehend and empathize or value or get a clear understanding of what it is you're saying. I'm just listening enough to respond to what you're saying. So be open to listening.

Speaker 1: 21:01

Next compromise this goes back to when you're listening. You may not always agree. That's just the realistic part. You and your partner and spouse may not always agree. That's just the realistic part. You and your partner and spouse may not always agree. You're not the same, you just. You may not always see things the same way, but be willing to compromise For the benefit of the relationship or the marriage.

Speaker 1: 21:27

Do what's best for the relationship. It's not about winning or losing, but what's going to be for the best benefit to this relationship. How can a relationship win? Not I'm winning, not you winning. How can this relationship win? At the end of the day, what's going to be best for my relationship or my marriage? How can we compromise? How can I get what I want and you get what you want? What's going to be best for us? Because it's not fair for one partner to get what they want and the other partner suffers, and vice versa. But how can we both be satisfied? And if it's a way for that to happen, compromise and make that happen. But what's best at the end of the day? What's best for the relationship or marriage? And do that? Meet in the middle. But it's not fair for one person to get what they want and the other person suffers. That's not right. And lastly, I told you guys this in the beginning Don't expect one conversation to fix everything.

Speaker 1: 22:47

It's just not going to happen. Sometimes you may have to have this conversation over and over and over again. Conversations to fix everything. It's just not going to happen. Sometimes you may have to have this conversation over and over and over again. Sometimes can one conversation fix everything or solve everything? Yes, it surely can. It can, but will that happen all the time? Only in a perfect world, and we don't live in one. So don't expect one conversation to solve everything, because it won't, and I know sometimes people won't like that.

Speaker 1: 23:18

But that takes, you know. It takes trust, it takes follow-through, you know, because sometimes for so long you were doing something else and now you're trying to do something different and a person has to. You have to build that trust up, you know, because at one point your partner or spouse couldn't talk to you. They didn't feel safe with you, they couldn't trust you. You were dismissive, you were defensive, you had your guard up, you were mean, whatever, whatever that looked like, for whatever reason, they didn't feel safe with you. They couldn't talk to you, they couldn't open up with you. And now you're doing the things to where they can.

Speaker 1: 24:08

But one time won't fix all of that, or if there's any other issue, because that's just one thing. But whatever the issue is, one conversation won't solve everything. So if they're trying to talk to you and bring up an issue, because they could be literally bringing up any issue. It could be an issue about finances, it could be a relationship about family, it could be an issue about a job, it could be an issue about the kids, it could be an issue about your mental health. It could literally be an issue about anything. But one conversation won't solve everything all the time. Sometimes you guys may have to have this same conversation multiple times, but I just want you to know that that's okay, that that's okay. I just want you to know that that's okay. So, again, I hope you've had some time to really think about it.

Speaker 1: 25:09

Are you able to talk to your partner or your spouse? Is your partner or spouse able to talk to you? And if not, why not? Ask them, ask yourself If they're not able to talk to you, why not? And if you're not able to talk to them, tell them, let them know, share this episode with them. It could be a great conversation starter for you guys to finally get to the place where you guys both can really open up and share with one another, because to not be able to talk to your partner, your spouse, one of the both of you guys are holding a lot of things in because to not be able to talk to your partner, your spouse, one of the both of you guys are holding a lot of things in because it's hard to be in a relationship with somebody and not be able to talk to them, because every time something happens in a relationship outside of the relationship, things are just happening in life. This is the person that you should want to in life. This is the person that you should want to go to. This is the person that you should want to share with, and you can't not really, but you want to.

Speaker 1: 26:22

When things come up in a relationship or marriage, things that you want to be better, hurts that you feel, pain that you experience. You want to be able to tell them about it. You want things to be better, but you can't. You're afraid to. You're afraid of how they react. You're afraid of how they respond. Are they going to get defensive? Are they going to go? Oh, what are they going to do this time? And that's a terrible way to have to maneuver in a relationship or marriage. It just is. It's just, this is not what you want. So let's begin to tear these walls down. And you can't. Both people in a relationship are willing to do the work. Keep doing the work, keep doing the work, keep doing the work.

Speaker 1: 27:15

I hope you guys have enjoyed today's episode. Remember I love you, but God loves you so much more and I'll see you guys next week. Bye, bye, I hope you guys have enjoyed. Follow me on Facebook at Demo with Mo. If you have any questions you would like answered here live on my podcast, email them to me at demowithmo at gmailcom. That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O at gmailcom.