D.E.M.O. with MO
D.E.M.O. with MO
Uncovering Truths: A Journey of Paternity and Healing
What if you discovered that one of the most important people in your life wasn’t who you thought they were? Join us for a truly unique episode as Monique Simmons passes the microphone to her close friend and therapist, Ashley Jenkins, for a candid and emotional conversation. Monique shares the raw and personal journey of discovering that her father is not her biological father, a revelation that began to come to light during her parents' separation when she was just 19. Together, they discuss the intricate process of addressing this revelation privately within the family and through therapy, emphasizing the importance of bringing authentic and vulnerable experiences to light to help others navigate their challenges.
As Monique recounts cherished memories like learning to drive with her dad, she reflects on the complexity of relationships that transcend biological ties. Listen to how she navigated the emotional terrain over 16 years, culminating in a paternity test that confirmed the truth just before Mother's Day. The conversation also touches on themes of grief and the evolution of relationships. Monique’s story offers a powerful reminder of the resilience of the human spirit and the capacity for love and connection.
Finally, the episode dives into the emotional landscape of family reconciliation and the journey of self-healing. Monique opens up about forgiving her mother and the emotional conversations she had with her children and husband about the DNA test results. Through therapy, faith, and a commitment to self-care, Monique has embraced personal growth and the possibility of reconciliation. This episode is a testament to the strength found in vulnerability and offers hope and encouragement for anyone grappling with similar revelations.
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what's up, guys? Welcome to demo with mo. I'm your host, monique simmons. We'll be discussing dating, engaged and married objectives from a young christian's perspective. Are you guys ready? Let's dive in. Hey, what's up, guys? Welcome to a new episode of Demo with Mo. I am your host, monique Simmons, and today is the season's finale for season seven.
Speaker 1:Today's episode is going to be a little different, a little different from what we usually do. I have invited a friend to join me, mrs Ashley Jenkins. She is a therapist with 10 plus years of experience in the field of social work. She refers to herself as your neighborhood's hope dealer Girl. I love that so much. I love it, I love it, I love it. She is a mom, wife and a great friend. I'm proud to hand the host seat over to her today.
Speaker 1:Welcome, ashley, or as I call her, ash. So I am handing this thing over to you. That's why I told you guys we're doing this thing a little different. Today. I am going to hop on over to the seat of the person being interviewed and Miss Ashley is going to be the host, and before we switch things over a little bit, I'm going to let y'all know. Today is going to be a little transparent for me, a little vulnerable for me. Today's going to be a little sensitive for me. I just want to go ahead and say that. But, ashley, welcome. Thank you so much for agreeing to do this today.
Speaker 2:No problem, thank you for having me. I am just honored that I know this is your baby, so I'm honored that you allowed me to come in and be the one to interview you, to come in and be the one to interview you, especially on such a topic as this. So I'm just going to tell a little bit about Mo. I mean, I know most of you know her from being here on her podcast and listening, but Mo is a Christian wife, mom and podcast host. She's worked over 15 years in the healthcare field. She has been married to her husband, corey, 14 years. They have three children, ages 16, 13, and four. She loves traveling, dancing, trying new restaurants, reading books and listening to podcasts. She teaches Sunday school and leads the couples ministry alongside her husband at their church.
Speaker 2:She started this podcast to give a space for people who have a desire to do relationships well and to hear authentic conversations about the struggles we all face, the things she wished she would have known in early years of her relationship. Simply put, she loves God and loves people, and I can say that that last part is definitely true. Mo is a great friend of mine. We met on Facebook but we connected and I'm just so excited to be here today. She's motivated me even to want to start my own podcast and do something.
Speaker 2:So putting me in the seat of an interviewer and letting this be like using her platform even to get that launched and started, I just really appreciate you. So I'm going to dive right into the discussion today and, as she already told you all, it's a very candid conversation and topic we're going to have today. So today's topic is about Mo and how she found out that her father is not her biological father, and so I have a few questions that tell me what made you want to, you know, actually tell your listeners about this topic. Why did you pick this topic?
Speaker 1:To be perfectly honest, this is not something that I really wanted to talk about. To be perfectly honest, you know me personally, so you know this is not something that I just go around talking about. I just recently shared this with you. This is not something that I even share or have a lot of conversations with privately with people in my life. So this is not something that I'm just comfortable having conversations with privately, let alone on such a public platform. But I feel like this is something that God has been leading me to talk about.
Speaker 1:But I wanted to get things in order in my private life before I talked about them publicly. I think sometimes people can share things from a hurt place or a place of resentment or bitterness, and sometimes it's from a place to hurt other people. I never wanted that. You know how I feel about and my listeners know how I feel about sharing things in my podcast. I never give names. I never try to hurt anyone. That's not what my podcast is about. It's never from that place.
Speaker 1:Once I got things in order in my private life meaning I had the conversation with my husband, I had the conversation with my children, I talked to my mom, I talked to my dad. I went all in those steps. I got things in order there, whether no matter how those relationships have worked out, but I got. I got things in order there. First. I made sure there was no unforgiveness, I made sure that I was good. You know, I made sure all of those things was right in my private life first. Then I could come here because I knew my story would be able to help somebody else, and that's always what my podcast has been about Since I started this podcast.
Speaker 1:That was the reason for starting this podcast for this space to be able to help others, to let people know that they're not alone. It was started in bird from relationships and marriages, but even the things that come from our family of origin, our childhood and from that place. That stuff affects our relationships and our marriages. If we don't deal with those things, we bring that along with us in our relationships, in our marriages, and I learned all that in therapy and I did the work in therapy and it helps my marriage.
Speaker 1:And I want other people, my listeners, the people who hear my podcast, people who follow me, who listen to me each week I want them to know that as well. I can't only give them parts of me. I can't only tell them the part that I like to tell them, that I want to tell them. I got to be able to give them all of it, to show them you're not alone. You know, the same way I'm telling you you should do the work. I'm over here doing the work too, but how am I doing the work, you know. So that was the reason of why I wanted to to finally share this and say this. But again, I wanted to make sure I got my stuff in order privately first, because I don't get on here and portray to be something that I'm not. I'm actually living it before I get on here and talk about it.
Speaker 2:And I think that's important. It's like you know, of course, you're always transparent, but something you said is like the living, it, you know, not getting on here because, oh, I found a hot topic, it's going to get me views, it's going to get me listens. But really I went through this. I might be still healing or I'm healed from it and now I can help you to get to where I am. So I just commend you on picking such a hard topic to discuss, you know, and to share, because it really is something that is. It's difficult, you know, to be so vulnerable. So, yeah, I definitely commend you for that.
Speaker 1:Very, and I'm not healed at all. As you said, I am still healing. This is still fresh and this is still new and I'm doing the work, but the Bible tells us that we overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony.
Speaker 1:You know, we like the word, we like the blood of the lamb, we like Jesus to do his part, but what about the word of our testimony? What about that part? What about the part that we have to do, the part of sharing, the part of talking? So many of us, as Christians, are silent and we're in shame and we don't want to say anything. And we, we don't want to talk about the hard parts and the things we're suffering through. And you know that's how we overcome, though you know the enemy wants us to keep silent. He don't want us to share. He would love nothing more for us to keep all of those things inside, and we don't. We don't want anybody to know. But that's how we overcome. We're over. We overcome by our words.
Speaker 2:So yes, that's good. Well, my first question that I have for you is I guess I want to start with your relationship with your father. Like what was that like in childhood? You know, prior to knowing all this, what was it like, you and your father?
Speaker 1:So my dad and I was very close. I was a daddy's girl and that has been the most difficult part. That has been what I've had to do the most work in therapy with, because that has been the part that I've had to grieve the most and this is what I've had to talk through with my therapist the most. Usually, girls are trying to work through not having a dad in their life. I'm now an adult trying to work through having such a close relationship with my dad to now having to grieve that that has been taken away, that I don't have that anymore, and that's the part that I struggle with the most. I had a very close relationship with my dad up until I was an adult. We were always close.
Speaker 2:What are some of your favorite memories?
Speaker 1:Widow, One of my favorite memories is him teaching me how to drive. My dad taught me how to drive when I was 11. And that's something that we always did together. It wasn't like a one-time thing. He would consistently always drive with me. He always took care of my car, things Like whenever and that's why, still to this day, my husband has taken it on now, but I don't like doing anything with my car, like putting gas in it or doing anything with oil or anything with my car. My dad took care of all this stuff with me, took care of all this stuff for me. So, like anything um with my car, like any of that stuff, he, he did all of that. You know he would teach me how to do it, but I didn't. I didn't do it. You didn't want to do none of that?
Speaker 2:no, you had dad to do it. I wonder if that's why you like traveling so much, driving road trips I love driving and it definitely came from my dad.
Speaker 1:It definitely came from my dad okay.
Speaker 2:So basically, what you're saying is like you all were close in childhood, but now, as an adult, now that things have transpired, the relationship has shifted, it's changed, and you are grieving the loss of that. And I think that's so important that you brought that up, because grief is not always of a dead person. Grief can be the loss of anything you know, a relationship, a loss of just something that you're used to doing or used to having, and if it's not there anymore, you grieve it. You know it is a process, you know. So I want to ask you when, when did you find out that your father was not your biological father? At what age?
Speaker 1:Okay, so this is a two-parter between the age of 19 and 20.
Speaker 1:My mom told my dad and I and I so throughout this episode you are going to hear and I'm saying this to you, but I'm saying this to the listeners You're going to hear me refer to him as my dad because to me, he will always be my dad, absolutely, period.
Speaker 1:He'll always be my dad, no matter what anyone else says, whatever DNA test says, he'll always be my dad, absolutely. But between 19 and 20, my mom came and told he and I that he may not be my biological dad. That's what she came and told he and I, and at this time, my dad and my mom was separated. They were no longer together, getting ready to be divorced. But she came to his home where I was living at the time I had just had my son, my oldest son, and she told him that he may not be my biological father. Okay, so that's where it all begun, and I'm also saying this because I don't want people to hear this and think like this just happened, like yesterday, and now I'm on a podcast sharing this. This has been a 16 year long journey that I've been dealing with and I'm finally talking about it.
Speaker 1:So this is not something that just happened. This is not new, so that's where it all began but were there any indications before she told you?
Speaker 2:any ideas at all?
Speaker 1:none okay, and what's funny is and I've never said this to them, but I've I've said this to my therapy my whole life, because my brother and I just my brother and I are five years apart His entire life. As long as I can remember I would jokingly say to him all the time you're adopted. I would say this to him all the time and my you know my mom would never say anything Like I was just jokingly say you, you're adopted. You know you don't look like us, you're not. You know we, we found you in a trash, can you know? Just things joke on each other about and I'm sure in her mind I'm sure it it had to have been in her mind so you may not even be the, you may not even be the child. You, you know what I'm saying. I'm sure that it's not a joke, but Alfred is every I mean I said it so often like it had to have crossed her mind because I said it to him so often.
Speaker 1:But this year, back in the beginning of April and so much has happened in between, it's so much that has transpired over the years but finally in April I had reached out to my dad for the final time this year I had decided I'm going to go on this journey by myself, and again, it's so much that has transpired in between, but I had finally decided this year I want to go on this journey by myself, whether my dad agreed or not. I reached out to him one final time after I had been praying and talking to God, and the Holy Spirit was like reach out to him one more time. I said, okay, I'm gonna reach out to him one more time and I text him and I said so, I'm gonna do a paternity test to find out if you're my biological father. Would you be interested in doing it with me? And he said, yes, he immediately takes me back.
Speaker 1:Yes, that was April of this year and we ended up doing it and we did it on April 29th. I remember we did it on April 29th and we got the results back on May 10th. And the only reason I remember that because it was the Friday before Mother's Day. Okay, that's when I found out, the Friday before.
Speaker 2:Mother's Day. So I have a question, because there's a little gap in space. I kind of want to bring it together. So, when your mom tells you all at 19, 20, because you kind of fast forwarded to April, of reaching out to him one last time what transpired with the relationship within those years in the you know, however, you can sum it up yeah, because it's 15, 16.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I found out well, I found out that he might not be in 19. I stopped talking to my mom. That's why me and my mom have had such a on off again relationship all these years, and it's like one of those things that is just hard to explain, because if, if I really could tell it all, I have to tell you everything. So if I don't tell you everything, you don't understand why Monique and her mom don't have a good relationship. Correct, if I tell you everything now you know everything, everything Exactly. So now you just have to look at me some type of way, because I can't tell you everything, because I don't want you to look at my mama some type of way, I don't want you to look at my daddy some type of way. So I just let people think what they want to think about me and that's just what I take. I bear it across because I don't want you looking at them some type of way. That's, that's a whole, nother thing.
Speaker 1:So I can relate so I stopped talking to my mom on again, off again. That's just to sum it up basically, without going into all the details. I stopped talking to her on and off again for those years until I finally forgive her, because the when she told me I wasn't a christian, I didn't give my life to Christ, how I was 21. I wasn't married yet, so it was just on again, off again. It's how I gave my life to Christ and really got close to God and I finally forgave her. So our relationship was just kind of up and down. But between that time she told me and I won't you. You know I don't mention names, but she told me who the man was who could be my dad, which it was either him or my dad at this time, because you know, I just found out just a few months ago, right, so it could be either him or my dad. This man who the other guy was, she gave him my phone number. I was mad at her about that at this point. I was mad at my mom about everything. It was like anything she did I was mad about because it's just like she. She pulled the rug from underneath me like, yeah, it was like you've been lying to me my whole life. So at at this point, anything she did, I was just. I was just, I was hurt in anything she did. So she gave him my phone number and he would call me, like, if not every day, every other day I didn't answer the phone and I don't even know back then if we could block numbers. I don't even know, I don't even think we could. But I would never answer the calls because I felt like I would be betraying my dad if I talked to him. And now, at 35, it took, girl, it took me going to therapy. Like when I finally went to therapy, it was so crazy hearing the stuff out loud that I was doing back then because everything I was doing was for everybody else except me. So I wouldn't talk to him because I felt like he would be betraying my dad. And this man would call me. It stopped, it started dwindling down from like every other day to like maybe once a week and then like once a month, but he wouldn't give up, the guy wouldn't give up and I finally I don't even know how long it took me, maybe like two years it took me a minute. It took me a minute to finally like realize he not giving up, like he want to be in my life. And I finally like gave me.
Speaker 1:And I think the first time I met him, corey and I went out because I wouldn't meet him when I called, because I just wanted to feel safe, not like physically safe, just emotionally safe. Yeah, because I told you, I felt like I was betraying my dad. And I still felt that way. So we ended up meeting him at a restaurant and I met him. Everything went well, but I still felt like I was betraying my dad. So I ended up, I started talking to him, but it was like on the surface stuff, and I invited him to church. We had something at church. It was like time for visitors to stand up or something. And he stood up and introduced himself or something. I don't remember and I'm not even going to mention names or anything, but some kind of way and I know how, but that's not important. But it got back to my dad that he was there and my dad called my mom and he was upset. He was upset. So then this validated.
Speaker 2:It came to life Like I disappointed my dad, just like I knew I would.
Speaker 1:Yes, it validated how I felt already, like what was already in the back of my head that I'm betraying him. So then I stopped talking to him again and it just started that whole cycle over again. So, long story short, because a lot happened in between it. My dad really stopped talking to me after that, like he never once had a conversation with me, even all these years up until now, until I asked him for a DNA test, until I reached out to him never once has he had a conversation with me. Even after my mom confronted us about him possibly not being my dad, he never had a conversation with me about any of these None of it. He just completely avoided me about the whole conversation. It was like this elephant is here, nobody's going to talk about the elephant, nobody, nobody. It was like I'm the only one who wants to talk about the elephant, but everybody else is going to act like the elephant is not here, okay.
Speaker 1:So once all of that happened with him at the church, my dad slowly but surely stopped talking to me Like he used to. Would cause he doesn't live here. He used to would come here and visit and would stop by and see me. He would come here and I wouldn't even know he was here, like I wouldn't even know he was in the state. Or he used to call me, you know the call stopped coming, or he would call for the kids' birthdays their birthdays would come and go and we wouldn't hear from him. The holidays would come, he would bring like Christmas gifts and then Christmases would pass by and we haven't heard from him. But it was never like a conversation like anything, like you would just have to come up with something in your mind of what happened Nothing, it was just like nothing.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, I'm sorry, that's what happened with that relationship, but my mom and I we talked. I told her, I forgave her. I understood why she you know it didn't justify her handling things the way that she handled it. You know it still hurt me, don't get me wrong. It still hurt me. But I understood because my mom had me when she was 19, the same age.
Speaker 1:I had my son and I understood why she could have made the decision that she made and now, being the age that I am now, even more mature and wiser, now being where I am today, I appreciate that she had enough courage to even come to me and my dad and even admit some people go to their grave and never say anything. You find that on your own. So the fact that she could even come to me and tell me and I didn't have to find that from somewhere else or found that on my own I appreciated even that much more. Back then I wouldn't have been able to say that to her. I just cut her off because I wouldn't. I didn't get it. I didn't understand how you could, how you could hurt your child or lie to your child or but now I get it was possibly trying to protect you even in a way, but what?
Speaker 1:she thought was the best decision for me and the best decision for her, because my dad was a great dad, he was a great man, you know. So I get it now. I didn't understand it then, but I get it now and I appreciate her. So we are in a much better place. My mom and I are in a much better place. My mom and I are in a much better place today.
Speaker 1:And the other guy a couple years ago I asked him would he be open to doing a DNA test, because I just didn't want the back and forth anymore, the wondering, the feeling like I'm betraying somebody over here and I don't even really know if you're my father or not. I just didn't want any of that anymore. So I asked him would he be open to a DNA test? He agreed and then he fell off the map and I never heard from him again, never seen him, never heard from him. And that was years ago, that was over four or five years ago, and I never heard or seen from him again. So that's where all of those relationships are is right today.
Speaker 2:That is a lot. That is a lot. I see why you were talking about that in theory, because that is a lot to unpack a lot of abandonment, a lot of hurt. You know just really big emotions and things that I'm sure you've dealt with and are dealing with even now. You know, um, even the fact that the other guy was in your life, so persistent and then just fell off. Like what do you do with that? You know how do you find peace with it. Have you found peace with you? I have found peace with him have you found peace with him?
Speaker 1:I have found peace with him because I was never. I never built a relationship with him. That was the thing. I never opened myself up to him. I never did. I never even allowed myself to. So it was never anything where I was yearning to have a relationship with him. My dad was always my dad. That's how I looked at it. The only thing about that is and I'm going to continue on this journey I am going to do that. And the only thing about that is one of the things I found out with my meeting him when Corey and I went to meet him he has children. He has other kids, so that means I would have siblings. You know he, him and his wife has kids.
Speaker 1:So I would want to know my possible siblings and I say possible because I want to get a DNA test. That's what I have figured out on this journey. I want to get a DNA test. That's what I have figured out on this journey. I would want to get a DNA test. So, but I would have possible siblings.
Speaker 1:And what I've also learned is the kids have no fault in this. You know adults making adult decisions and you know they're doing what they doing. The kids have no faults in this, play no parts in this. All we did was be born, that's it. So I would want to know if I have siblings, I would want to know my siblings. So that's the only part that I don't want to say I'm not at peace with, because it's not like I don't have peace because I have peace, yeah, but it's like that's the only the unknown that I want to know, like I, I want to continue this journey because if I have siblings, I want to know my siblings. I don't want to leave this world and have brothers and sisters that I don't know. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
Speaker 2:So have you thought about ever reaching out to them, since you know their father has kind of disappeared? What are your?
Speaker 1:thoughts on that yes. I do.
Speaker 2:Okay, all right, so you'll be on the journey and we'll see how that goes as far as that, maybe in a part two of the podcast episode. So you've told me how you found out and all of those things, and so I want to talk about a little bit about telling your family, like having the conversation with your husband. Have you had the conversation with your children? What was that like?
Speaker 1:was that like okay. So my children, my children, know me. So, just like you guys experienced me being very transparent on the podcast. But I'm on the podcast, I'm transparent, but I'm transparent in a way that I want to be. I share the things that I want to share. I don't overshare, yes, but with my kids they get an open book, so it's like I share with them. But they've been along for this journey so they knew a lot already. It was just like me finally getting the results, but they knew so much already. So when I told you know my youngest, zoe Grace, she doesn't understand. The only thing she knew was mommy said she was like mommy, you okay, are you okay? You sure you okay? That was Zoe's response.
Speaker 1:My son he is his father's child, so he is very blunt and makes jokes and that's who he is. So he was like I called him in the room after I got the results, after I talked to my husband and we had our moment. I call my kids in the room. Well, my husband called the kids in the room and told them we wanted to talk to them and after I shared with them my son, my son was the first one to respond and he was like you called us in here for this. Like we already, we already knew this. Like you've been sharing this with us for years. You know I'm really open with my kids.
Speaker 1:I know some parents don't, you know, share everything and no, not to to. I think parents should parent the way that they feel is best for their kids. But I share, I share things with my kids. I don't want any secrets with my kids. I share what I feel is appropriate, but I share a lot with my kids. So he knew a lot.
Speaker 1:My kid, my older two kids knew a lot already, so that's why he responded that way. But it was like, like it wasn't no secret to him. It was like he put he's 16. He put pieces together. When I was 16, I knew a lot too.
Speaker 1:It was like when I was 16, my parents separated and when it happened it was like it wasn't no secret to me. I knew this was coming. I already knew this was happening. So when he said it, it made complete sense to me and my parents weren't even talking to me about what was happening. I just read the room. I knew and I'm openly having conversations with my kids. So as a parent who's talking to their kids. It wasn't a surprise that he responded that way, so he completely understood. It was just I wanted to talk to them because now I finally have the actual results and I know for sure. It's not a cloud over us anymore, or wondering, or we think, but my son had put the pieces together. He's like we don't see pawpaw anymore. He's not coming around, we're not talking to him. You know, now you're saying this.
Speaker 1:It's like we already we already know this, so yeah, that's what about your oldest daughter?
Speaker 2:what was her reaction?
Speaker 1:mariah is very reserved with her emotions. She didn't have much to say. I think she was kind of taking in how I was feeling. She just nodded her head. She didn't say anything. She's the one that I have to check in on when she's by herself. She's not going to say much. She just kind of pays attention to the surroundings, how you feel and what's going on, and she just pays attention.
Speaker 2:She won't say much and I know you said that you and your husband had a moment before you told the kids, but I'm I'm just assuming that he knew prior to the results as well. But take us to the moment of the results. What was your husband's reaction at that point?
Speaker 1:he asked me was I okay? That was his first response are you okay? Because we had already talked about it, um, when I first did the dna test which I told you I did it on april 29th and he asked me um, was I okay? Because I had already told him that I was at peace about it. When I did the DNA test, I told him I was at peace about it, whichever way the results went.
Speaker 1:The only reason that I was doing it because I didn't want the cloud over my head, like I didn't want to wonder what if or if it is, if it ain't, I just didn't want that for my family. I didn't want that for my kids, I didn't want that for my grandkids. Like I want us to be able to do the hard, uncomfortable things, like I want us to know I don't want any secrets. I just didn't want that for my family and for the generations to come. I just didn't want that. So I was going to be okay either way, even though I desired my father to be my father, but whatever the result said to me, he's still my dad, um, but his first response was are you okay? And I was like yes, I, you know. I meant what I said. That's I. I didn't want to do it until I, until I was okay, if that makes sense like I didn't want to do it if I was not in a place where I would be okay if the results was he's not my dad Right.
Speaker 1:That's why I've been doing the work in therapy. You know, and he was like he hates that because he doesn't like the place my dad and I are in. He doesn't because Corey and I have been together since high school, so he knows what my dad and I's relationship was like before all of this and he and his dad don't have a close relationship. So to see the relationship that my dad and I have now and to see how my dad has responded due to all of this, it breaks my husband's heart and he won't say those words. But just seeing his response to my dad and how everything has played out and us going to couples therapy and seeing how he talks about it, it hurts him you know.
Speaker 1:So he wasn't happy about it and he's just not happy about any of it at all. Yeah, but he's glad that I'm okay. He's not okay about it. I'm just gonna be honest. He's not okay about it. I'm just going to be honest. He's not okay about any of it and he doesn't even. He doesn't even understand or comprehend how I respond, the way that I respond. He doesn't understand how I can be okay with all of these. He doesn't even understand it. So he's not okay, but he's glad that I'm okay.
Speaker 2:If that, yeah, I hope that makes sense, makes that, does make sense, maybe even like a little bit of transference, because he doesn't have that relationship with his dad and I can't say you know the work that he's done or not done, but you've done the work on this, and so maybe, if he hasn't really resolved whatever he has with his dad, it could be a possibility that that's kind of affecting him in a way that he may not even be able to really comprehend, like why am I so affected by it? You know? So it is just one of those things where I'm happy that you did the work. I'm happy that you've come to a place where you're not doing everything for everybody else. And that was the part that I, I, I my therapist hat was on.
Speaker 2:I saw that it got emotional for you when you kind of talked about that. Like when I talk about this, I realized like I literally was doing everything for everybody else for my mom, for my dad, for the man that could possibly be my dad, and now you're doing what you need to do for you, and so that lets me know that you have made progress in this healing journey. I want to open up the floor. I do have one more question for you. It's going to be a two-parter, and that's the one I'll close on. But is there anything that you would want to say, or any advice that you may want to give, or just anything that you want or is on your heart about this topic, about this situation, that maybe I haven't asked?
Speaker 1:you I would say, if someone is struggling just to piggyback off what you just said, because I did get emotional about that part, because I remember when I first started therapy, when I was talking to my therapist and literally you know, know your therapist giving her the rundown of all of the things that has been happening to lead me up to getting to therapy and she was telling me that I am a rescuer.
Speaker 1:That's kind of the summary of what she told me. She said I see a need in everybody else and I want to meet the need. I feel like I got to meet the need in everybody else and I want to meet the need. I feel like I got to meet the need for everybody else and I've been doing this since my childhood and I'm literally talking to you about all of these things, even through my childhood, about everybody else, and I had in the decisions that I was making. They were for everybody else. And I'm the one over here suffering, I'm dying, I'm literally dying to save everybody else, but nobody is saving me. I'm over here dying, but I'm making decisions to save everybody else.
Speaker 1:And so I finally sat down on my therapist's couch and realized, after saying it out loud, that that's what I was doing, and I didn't even realize it, like I didn't even. I didn't even realize it. So I would encourage anybody and it don't have to be what I'm going through, whatever it is. If you need to make a decision to save yourself, save yourself. And I don't care who it is If it's a parent, if it is a spouse save yourself, save yourself, do the work. They will be hurt, they will be offended. They may not like it, but save yourself. When you are on an airplane, one of the things that the flight attendant tell you is to put, if the plane goes down, to put your mask on first. And that's what I had to learn how to do, because while I was so busy trying to do what it takes to save everybody else, I was over there dying. I was literally dying because I'm trying to save everybody else, but I had to begin to save me. That doesn't mean not to help people, not to make sure that they're okay, but you got to save you first. So I would encourage you do the work.
Speaker 1:And it's not easy work. I told y'all this has been a 15, 16 year journey. I'm not. I just didn't wake up one day and was strong enough and able to tell my story and be able to talk about this with with no unforgiveness in my heart and no hurt and no pain. I didn't just wake up one day and be able to do this. I've done the work. I've done the work with my therapist. I've done the work in my relationship with Christ. I've learned how to be self-aware, because there were things that were wrong with me. There were things that I needed to do for myself. I'm not pointing the finger at anybody else. There were things I needed to fix within myself. There were things that I had to learn. There were places where I needed to grow. There were things in me as well, but I had to learn how to do the work. I had to stop trying to rescue everybody else and rescue Monique. Yes, choose you, save you, do the work for you.
Speaker 2:That's good. I got this vision of like a house being on fire and like being like different stories and everything, and instead of you calling 9-1-1 and calling the fire department, you're the one going running back and forth in the house trying to get people out of the fire. And you don't have oxygen. You don't have equipment to be running in this house and all you had to do was save yourself, go get help, and then they would be safe. You don't have to be the savior, you don't have to run in the fires. So that's what I'm taking away from it. You know, even to share and elaborate even further to help people know like go get help. If that's a therapist, if that's you know you just removing yourself from the situation, go get the help, save yourself so that the others that you want to save can really be saved. It's not your job to save them. It's not your job.
Speaker 2:So the last question I want to ask you is a two-parter I'm going to. I want to end it on a positive note. So the first part is what are the negative ways that finding out that your dad was not your dad? Has that affected you negatively? How has finding that information out about your biological father and who it was and who it wasn't and who it might be. How has that negatively affected you?
Speaker 1:It negatively affected me. Okay, I'm going to say this. I'm going to say this, but I don't know if this is true or not. I don't know if this is for sure. So I want to preface this by saying this.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:When I found out that he was not my biological father when I got the results a few days later, because when we got the results, I got the results via the mail and he was supposed to get them by email. Some reason he didn't get them. So he reached out to me a few days later and asked me had I received them? And I was like, yeah, you didn't get them. You were supposed to get them by email. He was like no, I didn't get them. So to get him by email, he was like no, I didn't get him. So you know something as serious as that. I didn't want to just send that through a text message because he was texting me. Like you know, I just don't want to text you and be like you're not my biological father. So I took a picture of the results and sent it to him. He got him and I never heard from him again, and that was in May. This is August. I never heard from him again.
Speaker 1:I've heard from my stepmother and I won't say anything about that because that's his wife and I don't. I don't, I don't know what he would think or what he would say, but she has reached out to me and she's been there. She's been there. She's been there for me. So I appreciate and I love her for that, but I have not heard from him at all. So that's one of the negative ways that it has impacted me, because this was like it's like it's solidified that we may no longer have a relationship yeah, that's hard yeah.
Speaker 1:So it was like it's like grieving a loss and that's why we kind of opened up with that grieving part, Because I've been grieving it but it's like grieving that friendship that's not the same anymore. But there's a chance you guys may fix things. But when the friendship is really over and you know you guys are not coming back, you really have to like grieve it for real Cause you know you guys are not coming back. But I I I prefaced it with saying like I don't know if this is really true, because as a Christian I always have hope. I know God can redeem and restore any relationship. So my prayer and my hope is that one day my dad and I's relationship can be fixed, it can be restored, it will be redeemed. You know, that is my hope and my desire, Because again I have no unforgiveness in my heart towards him, even though he abandoned me.
Speaker 1:I struggle with that word. I really me and my therapist have a hard time in our session with that word because he abandoned me and I don't because I saw my dad in such a high esteem all my life. I struggle seeing him in any negative way. I really struggle with that. So I have hope that we one day can have a great relationship again. So that's the negative way it impacted me. It's like, now that the results that he is now my biological father, there's a chance we may never have a relationship again. He could go the rest of his life and never talk to me again because I'm not his biological daughter. There's a chance of that, you know, but God can do all things as well.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, I'm gonna be praying that with you and for you. You know that that relationship is restored one day. I do believe God can. He definitely can turn it around and I just pray he softens his heart, he heals his wounds and whatever he's dealing with, you know that he really heals from it, cause I'm sure he's dealing with some things you know on this journey if he's choosing to go on it himself. So yeah, so one more question, and I said I want to try to end it on kind of a positive note. I know this is a heavy topic, but tell me a way or some ways that this has positively affected Monique Simmons. What has this done for you?
Speaker 1:affected, monique Simmons. What has this done?
Speaker 1:for you, uh this journey because, again, this has been a journey, honey, I know it. Um, this journey has made me wiser, it has grown me up, it has made me trust God in a way that I didn't even know I could trust God. It has made me know God as a father. You know, we, we quote scriptures and we talk about God's word, but it's a. It's a difference in knowing and quoting God's word but really intimately knowing God's word.
Speaker 1:When I say God is a father to the fatherless, that's not just like if your father is dead, if he's not physically on his earth anymore, but my father is not in my life as far as a relationship. So I had to learn to lean on God as a father and to get to know him in that kind of way. It has been beautiful. I mean it has really been beautiful, and it has tremendously blessed my life and I wouldn't have known that if my dad wouldn't have walked out the way he did. So it has matured me and made me lean and depend on God in a way that I didn't before Like.
Speaker 1:Again, this started when I was 19, you know, and I gave my life to Christ at 21 and I've grown in my walk.
Speaker 1:I've got to know God intimately and personally. It even helped me in my relationship with my kids, Like I never want my kids to experience what I've experienced. And don't get me wrong, I told you guys I've grown in my relationship with my mom, but even my relationship with my mom has been up and down through all of these. I don't want my kids to experience what I've had to experience in my relationship with my parents. So I love on them, I talk to them, I'm close to them, like it. Just it's taught me everything I don't want to do and I have to lean on God in such a heavy way to do the complete opposite of everything that I've been taught and everything that I've been shown, because I don't know how to do this of my own Because of all the things I've seen and I've experienced, and I have to get all of that from God. So I have to lean on God so much to teach me what to do and how to do it.
Speaker 2:So yeah, Well, I don't think that there's a better way to end it Thinking about what you're taking away from it instead of what you've lost. What you gain from it is so much more than the things that you may be lacking earthly and I know sometimes physically, mentally, emotionally it may not feel like that, but it is something that has blessed you, it's grown you, and so just let that be the takeaway from today. My friend, I am so proud of you, so so, very proud of you. This is one of the bravest things that I believe that you could have ever done, and you know the conversations we have had and I just it almost brings me to tears like I just literally am proud of you. I'm proud of you.
Speaker 2:You're inspiring me, you're helping me to get free myself, and so I know that you're going to do it for others, and so I just want to say, on behalf of your listeners, on behalf of me as your friend, as your sister in Christ, I thank you, I love you and you are just amazing, you are absolutely amazing. So that concludes our interview. You have anything else? I know you've given me the reins, but do you have anything else that you want to say before we head out tonight?
Speaker 1:I just want to say thank you Seriously. You have been an amazing host. This is only just a sample of what's to come for you on your podcast. I'm excited to see what God is going to do in and through you. I wish you the absolute best on your journey. Thank you for even agreeing to do this. I appreciate you.
Speaker 2:You're welcome, I appreciate you and you know you've come to be a guest.
Speaker 2:We're already agreed, so don't take that I will be there on tell the audience how they can find you your social media platforms, website, all that good stuff, alright so the ways you can find me, you all, as she said, I call myself the neighborhood, your neighborhood hope dealer. So I'm on Instagram neighborhood hope dealer 22. I'm also on TikTok neighborhood hope dealer 22. I'm also on Tik TOK neighborhood hope dealer 22 or 2022. One of those.
Speaker 2:You can follow me on Facebook my name is Ashley Jenkins, spelled the regular way, and on Facebook live, and I'll be doing podcasts, as Mo has inspired me to do, cause I was just going to do Facebook live, but I'll be doing Spill the Tea therapy talk sessions Facebook Live starting in September, every Tuesday at 8 pm, central Standard Time, and really it'll be a lot like this, just kind of like a therapy session looking for people to interview. So if you're a business owner, if you're a mental health professional and you're interested, or even just someone that has something you want to share, or you want to come get on my couch and we just talk, you all can send information or send a request to info at influentialtouchcom. That's my email and that's also how you can reach me about any booking for any type of speaking engagements or therapy as well.
Speaker 1:Awesome. You guys, go follow and check out my girl until next time and we'll see you next season, season eight. I hope you guys have enjoyed today's episode. I hope it has blessed you, helped you wherever you are. Do the work, don't forget rescue yourself, save, you go get help um, I love you, but remember god loves you so much more.
Speaker 1:bye, guys, bye. I hope you guys have enjoyed Follow me on Facebook at Demo with Mo. If you have any questions you would like answered here live on my podcast, email them to me. At Demo with Mo at gmailcom. That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O at gmailcom.