The Power of Chosen Family: Building Meaningful Connections Beyond Blood Ties

What if the family you pick becomes more significant than the one you’re born into? Join me on a heartfelt journey as I explore the idea of chosen family, sparked by my recent trip to Orlando for the PodFest podcast conference. Battling a cold, I found solace in the vibrant energy of fellow podcasters and reconnected with a dear friend, reigniting the bonds we've nurtured over a decade. This experience was a poignant reminder of the incredible support system that has been my lifeline, highlighting the transformative power of relationships we actively choose and cherish.

This episode takes a closer look at the profound connections we form beyond blood ties. Chosen families provide the emotional warmth and affirmation that might be absent in traditional family settings, especially for those who've faced rejection. We discuss the intricate layers of love and support found in these intentional relationships that often surpass biological bonds in depth and significance. Through shared experiences and enduring support, these connections validate our journeys and enrich our lives. Tune in to celebrate the people who stand beside us through thick and thin, reminding us of the beauty in choosing our own family.

Chapters

• 0:06 Chosen Family
• 17:00 Building Your Chosen Family

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:06

what's up, guys? Welcome to demo with mo. I'm your host, monique simmons. We'll be discussing dating, engaged and married objectives from a young christian's perspective. Are you guys ready? Let's dive in. Hey, what's up, guys? Welcome to a new episode of Demo with Mo. I am your host, monique Simmons.

Speaker 1: 0:31

This past weekend, I had the privilege of going to Orlando, florida, for a podcast conference known as PodFest. This was their 11th year of holding this podcast conference and this was their 11th year of holding this podcast conference and this was my first time going, and this actually was my first time going to a podcast conference and that's why I consider it to be a privilege. This was actually one of my long, long-term goals to actually go to a podcast conference, and it was more than I could have expected. I actually have been getting over a cold and, to be perfectly honest, I didn't even know if I was going to have to cancel the trip. My four-year-old daughter brought something home from daycare which all of my parents out there I know you guys can relate is just something about the daycare and you know the germs and all of the things, all of the things. She brought something home and she got sick and then it went around our household and it hit me and it took me down through there and I just didn't know if I was going to be able to make it or not. But thank God I got much better before it was time to go and I was able to go on the trip. But I said I like to say I was not feeling my best on the trip, but I still was able to enjoy it. I was able to also see one of my closest friends and her husband, who live in Orlando, so I was able to kill two birds with one stone on this trip and I just had an absolutely amazing time.

Speaker 1: 2:12

This was one of my long-term goals for my podcast to be able to go on one of these podcast conferences, not the podcast per se, but to be able to go on a podcast conference. I wanted to be able to connect with other podcast hosts, to learn as much as I could, to connect with the people that I needed to connect with and to just move forward in this podcasting community. And I got that and even much more. It was like this fire was lit up under me and I'm so excited. I'm so excited for all of the things that are ahead for me. I'm so excited for all of the things that God has shown me, for the places that he has put me in, for the people he has connected me with. I'm just excited. I'm really excited for all that God is doing.

Speaker 1: 3:10

One of the things that this trip showed me my girlfriend and I we went out for brunch on one of the days while I was there and we just got to talking about life and how much we've grown because we've been friends 10 years plus and we've just talked about where we came from, like where we were when we became friends, and all that God has done in our lives and in our careers, in our relationships, in our marriages as women, just in all areas of our lives, how we've grown and just the community we built around one another, our villages and the people who have helped us get there. And that is what we're going to be talking about today Chosen family. And I'm saying all of this because, while I was out there for this podcast conference, because I was traveling alone and I had so much time alone to think about everything that has gotten me to the place where I am in life, and if you're anything like me and if you're not self-centered or selfish or any of those things. You know that you did not get to where you are in your life by yourself. You know you didn't get here alone. You know that where you're standing at in your life right now was not because of you alone. You know that it was by the grace of God. You know that it was by family, friends, community, your village. It was orchestrated all by God, the people he placed in your life being at the right place at the right time. Because you were placed there, connected with the right people, had the right conversations. It didn't happen by happenstance, it wasn't by coincidence, it wasn't by chance.

Speaker 1: 5:25

And that's what my friend and I began to talk about and I began to reminisce on all of the things, even as a young woman, as a teenager, all of the things that had happened in my life that got me up into this place where I am today, and a specific conversation that got me here, and there were so many people that played a part, played a part in my life. So when you hear me say this, I just want you guys to know, because if you've been rocking with me for a while, you've heard me share a lot of things. You've heard me share a lot of different parts of my story and and there are so many, just like if you read any good story, there are so many different chapters, there are so many different characters, there are so many different parts, their main characters. Some chapters are longer, some chapters are shorter, some people play major parts, some people play play small parts, but it all works together for your good. So the particular conversation we were having there was a young lady.

Speaker 1: 6:37

She and I were best friends in high school in my young adult years of my life and you guys, those of you who've been rocking with me for a while now you've heard me mention her before, but she and I were best friends. I'm talking about thick as thieves thick as thieves. She was more like my sister than my friend, but we were best friends in high school and this is not about her but her mother. But she and I were. I'm talking about she was like my sister, because I don't have sisters, but she was like my sister. But she and I were very close. But her mother she played such a pivotal part in my life. I spent a lot of days in her home because my friend and I at the time she and I would ride home together after school because we both drove. We would ride home together after school. We would spend weekends together because we would go out or shopping or go eat or just be at her house or whatever. Because we were that close. I mean, like I said, thick as thieves, but I was always welcome in their home. Her mom and dad treated me like family.

Speaker 1: 7:59

Because, again, I'm telling you, this episode today is about chosen family and the reason I'm referencing this, because I want you to have context for today's episode and why this is so important to me personally and I'm sure some of you are going to really resonate with this. I'm sure you are, and if you don't, I understand, because this was another part of the conversation my girlfriend and I were talking about. Because some people don't relate to this. Some people don't understand and I used to. Before I became more wise, more mature, before I got a little older, I didn't always understand why people didn't understand why friendship was so important, why this chosen family was so important, why it didn't mean so much or didn't run so deep with some people. But now I understand. This doesn't resonate with everybody. Everybody doesn't have this. Everybody didn't have this in their lives and I understand. I understand, but we were so close and we we spent so much time together and her family always welcomed me in their home and so, growing up in high school and again in my early young adult years, going into college, etc. We were always together.

Speaker 1: 9:23

My going into my freshman year in college, they lived less than 10 minutes from my college. Well, as a lot of you guys know, um, my parents were separated at this time and my mom was moving and things were just difficult for me at that time. Without just going into all those details, things were very difficult for me at that time. Without just going into all of those details, things were very difficult for me. Things were not stable. So to give me a stable place and somewhere I could just have during that college time and such a pivotal time in my life, her parents gave me a room at their home where I could have as I get ready to go to college that summer, before going into college, where I could have, where my clothes could be, I could have a bed and a room and an area just for me, just a safe space and a safe area for me as I prepared to go in college, and this is the area that I had for me, and also on the weekends during college, while I was there, because I wasn't there alone.

Speaker 1: 10:29

For those of you who know my story, I dropped out of college my freshman year because I found out I was pregnant with my son. So I wasn't there alone, but while I was there, I had this safe space, a place that was mine, from people that wasn't my family, but they were like my family. They loved me, they supported me, they encouraged me, they pushed me, and they didn't have to. They chose to do that because I was their daughter's friend, because we were that close. They chose to do this. They didn't have to do this, they were not obligated to do this, they didn't have an obligation to me, but they chose to do this. They chose to love me. They chose to do these things for me because this is what they wanted. This is what chosen family is.

Speaker 1: 11:22

So when I had my son, after I dropped out of college, things could have been so up in the air for me. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I didn't know what life was going to be like for me. I dropped out of college. I'm a teenage mom, young adult. You know, I'm 19 years old, I don't know what I'm going to do. Well, this same friend's mom, she told me about this contract job position at her job in the building where she worked, and she helped me get on In that same field in healthcare that she helped me get on all those years ago when I was 19, 20 years old, after having my son, my first child, don't you know? That is exactly what I do for a living. Now I don't work in that hospital anymore, in that area anymore, but that's the same field of work in healthcare that I still do to this day.

Speaker 1: 12:21

I fell in love with it all those years ago and now I'm in a senior role, still doing it to this day. I fell in love with it all those years ago and now I'm in a senior role, still doing it to this day. And it was all because she believed in me, she encouraged me, she supported me and she helped me. She gave me a leg up and that meant everything to me. Again, she had no obligation to me. She didn't have to do that for me, but she did. She chose to, she supported me, she cared for me, she loved me chosen family and this whole weekend, while I was there in Orlando, after talking to my girlfriend and sharing this with her, and we just went back and forth about all of the people, all of the different ways we've had people just like that, just like that and the way we've paid it forward, doing it for other people the same way, people we have no obligation to, but we chose to do it the same way people have done it for us.

Speaker 1: 13:19

Chosen family, because that thing runs deep within me. Friendship is something that I take very seriously. Chosen family is something that I take very seriously. The people who are connected to me, the people that I have in my life. There's nothing I wouldn't do for them. There is not many things that I wouldn't do for them, and that's because people like my friend from high school her mom did for me and she didn't have to. She showed me how to love people because I didn't have a lot of that in my life growing up, especially not from people who wasn't obligated to me. I didn't have that from a lot of people that were obligated to me. So to have someone come into my life and show me that and I know that was only because of God. I know God did that. I know God placed her in my life. I know God did that. I know God placed her in my life. I know God placed that friend in my life. I know God placed her family in my life and they came and they were God's hands and feet on this earth that I was able to tangibly see God before I even knew God, before I even had a relationship with God. And that's chosen family. These are people who are not blood related to you, who are not obligated to you, who don't have ties to you necessarily, but they choose to show up for you even when they don't have to.

Speaker 1: 14:51

So that on my way back home, traveling back to Mississippi, that thing has stuck with me so heavy and I hadn't talked to her, to this friend's mom, in years because this friend, she died a couple years ago God rest her soul and I hadn't talked to her mom since her passing. But this thing has stuck with me so heavy because I will never forget how she loved me. I'll never forget it. That thing runs deep when you're grateful and you appreciate somebody so much, but something they didn't have to do. That thing sticks with you. So I reached out to her and told her how much I thanked her and how much I appreciated her and how I'll never forget how she showed up for me and how I am the woman that I am today because of the part that she played in my life. That was such a pivotal part in my life. My life was so hectic back then. Things were so up in the air for me back then and I know things could have been totally different for me. I know it could have been If it wasn't, for the grace of God there go I. I know that for me, I know it. So I just had to tell her thank you and that one message to her. It just it was a ripple effect and it just started a whole nother conversation and we just got into a whole bunch of other things and talking about, just talking about life, just talking about life, just talking about life, and I'm grateful, I'm just grateful. So if you have people in your life like that, if anybody has, has impacted your life, bless your life like that in any way, tell them thank you. Don't take that for granted. Tell them thank you. Don't take that for granted. Tell them thank you.

Speaker 1: 17:00

So let's go ahead and jump into today's episode Chosen family. What is chosen family, if you don't know by now? A group of people who are intentionally chosen for their support, love and respect, regardless of biological or legal ties and I love that word there. Intentionally, because this is not just by happen, chance, it doesn't just happen, it's not a coincidence, it's intentionally chosen. You intentionally choose these people to be in your life. Why is a chosen family important, you ask. So, after a little research, these are some things that I found, and I happen to agree with these because, again I told you, this chosen family thing runs deep for me.

Speaker 1: 18:02

One, a sense of community and care, especially for those who may have been rejected by their biological family. So a chosen family is especially important for those who may have been rejected by their biological family. Every person is not close to their biological family, the family that they were born into, that they come from. That's something that we take for granted, especially those who are very close to their biological family. We assume that everyone is that way. Everyone does not come from a close-knit biological family. It's just not the case. So this sense of community and care is very important to a person who is not close to their biological family. Two love, support and affirmation during difficult times. This one is very important. This one is very, very important when you're going through difficult times. To have that love, support and affirmation from that chosen family is very important. To have those people in your life who love you, support you and affirm you when you're going through difficult times where you don't feel alone. But you have those chosen people, especially because they have no obligation to you. They don't have to do these things. They're doing it because they choose to. They're doing it because they want to, not because they have to. Three, last but not least, they help people feel wanted and cared for. There's nothing better than feeling wanted and cared for, again, because they have no obligation to you. They simply do it because they love you, they want to, they care about you.

Speaker 1: 20:02

What does a chosen family provide? Okay, let's go through a few of these, because I know some people may be on the other side listening to this. You may have trust issues. You may have been hurt by your biological family, the family that you come from, and you may be like if I can't even trust the family that I came from, the family that's supposed to love me, the family that's supposed to care about me, the family that's supposed to show up for me. Why should I care? Why should I trust the people that have no obligation to me? Why A chosen family provides a group of people who are emotionally close and consider each other family.

Speaker 1: 20:53

No, they might not be your biological family, but that's the beautiful thing about it. They consider you to be family. They choose you. You are emotionally close. You may not be close by blood, but you are emotionally close, you feel close, they want to be close and they consider you family, even though you are not technically family. I feel more closer to the people in my life who I consider to be family, my chosen family per se, than most of the people who I am related to by blood. And that's just being honest and that's no knock to my biological family, but that's just because I have built and invested in these relationships with people, and these are most of the people that I consider to be my chosen family.

Speaker 1: 21:56

I have been in these relationships with these people over 10 years. These are relationships that I have invested in. My children have grew up around these people. I have been on trips with these people. I have ate with these people. I have cried with these people. I have celebrated with these people. I have grieved with these people. I have had surgeries with these people. I've been in church with these people. I have grieved with these people. I have had surgeries with these people. I've been in church with these people. We've worshiped together. I mean we have done life together. We've had marriages together, we've had babies together. We have literally done life together. We've moved out of state with one another. We've literally helped one another move out of state, back into state in our different homes together. We've had to help friends bury their spouses. When I tell you, we've done life together, we've done life together.

Speaker 1: 22:50

Two a non-biological kinship bond based on mutual support and love. Our bond is based on mutual support and love. That's what you want A bond that's based on mutual support. We mutually support one another. I support you, you support me. It mutually support one another. I support you, you support me. It's not one-sided. I'm not giving all while you're getting nothing, and vice versa. I love you and you love me. It's not a one-sided relationship.

Speaker 1: 23:32

Three a group of people who validate your life experiences and affirm your identity. We validate one one another's life experiences and affirm each other's identity. I don't try to make you be somebody that you're not. I validate what's going on in your life. I validate what's going on in your life and that's one of the differences when it's chosen family versus family. Sometimes families have a hard time doing this. Sometimes they do the complete opposite and it's because sometimes you get comfortable. You know we're related by blood. We feel like we're not going anywhere. You know I'm related to you. You're going to always be my cousin, or always be my brother, or always be my sister, or always be my mom, or always be my grandma, whatever that relationship is. Instead of validating someone's life experiences or affirming their identity, we do the opposite, because we don't want to see that person as that person. We only can see that relationship You're my sister Instead of seeing that person as a human being, who they are, as a person.

Speaker 1: 25:04

Four a group of people who you would want to call in times of need when something happens in your life. Just think about it. Just take a second right now. If something happens your car breaks down, your child gets sick, you, you lose your job who are the automatic go-to people Like, just without even thinking about it? Who are the people that pop up in your mind that you want to call. Like you want to call, not that you feel like you're obligated to because of that relationship, but who are the people that you want to call. Who are those people? Because I have my people that I want to call. Who are those people? Because I have my people that I want to call, like I have my people, like after my husband, because that's my husband, like I'm going to call him, but like after my people. I have a list of people I know I want to call. I know I want to know about this. I know I want to be praying for me. I know I want to be praying for me. I know I want to be checking on me, knowing what's going on with me, being to know about me. I know I got those people and, if I'm being honest, if I'm being completely honest and transparent, it's chosen family.

Speaker 1: 26:18

Lastly, how can you find your chosen family? Okay, for some of you may be wondering it. You told me about what a chosen family provides. Why a chosen family? Okay, cause some of you may be wondering it. Okay, you told me about what a chosen family provides, why a chosen family is important. How can I find this chosen family? Cause you may not have chosen family, or you may even have chosen family, but not sure that they are chosen family, or how to talk to them about being your chosen family or letting them know you want them to be your chosen family, like, how do you get to that next step? How can you find your chosen family?

Speaker 1: 26:53

One, reflect on what kinds of relationships you want to cultivate, and cultivate means to apply oneself to improving or developing. How do you want to improve on or develop this kind of relationship? Reflect on what kind of relationship this is that you want to cultivate. Okay, so take a moment with that. Like, really think about it. Take some time to reflect on that and see what kind of relationship it is you want to cultivate. Like, take some time to really think about that. It is you want to cultivate. Take some time to really think about that.

Speaker 1: 27:33

Next, consider who you would want to call in times of need. And it goes back to our last section, when I asked you what does a chosen family provide? And I told you these group of people are the people who you would want to call in times of need. So how can you find your chosen family, you would consider who you would want to call in times of need. So you may be thinking about people that you want to be your chosen family, you may have a few people that you think of, but would you really call them in your times of need? Because you may think about them, because you like them, you know you like to hang out with them, but are these people you actually would call in your times of need? Like, are they legit good people to be your chosen family? Because just because you consider somebody to be an associate or a friend or someone you wanna hang out with, to have a good time with, doesn't necessarily mean they need to be your chosen family. Cause chosen family is on a whole nother level. Okay, just cause they a good time don't mean they need to be chosen family. So consider who you would want to call in times of need, okay. So consider who you would want to call in times of need, okay.

Speaker 1: 28:47

Number three consider who you would want to call if you receive the worst news of your life. So this goes up a whole nother level. Because I asked you to consider who you would want to call in times of need. Now I'm telling you to consider who you would want to call if you receive the worst news of your life. So take a moment, think about what the worst news of your life is and I don't want to put this on you or any of that or any event but let's think about some worse news you could receive. Let's say you lost a job, someone was in a car accident, a parent got sick, you got a diagnosis from your doctor. Who are the people that come up? What are the names you think of? Consider those people. Last but not least four Look for possibilities in your existing relationships.

Speaker 1: 30:02

Sometimes we have people right now in our lives who are our chosen family and we just need to consider them. We need to cultivate those relationships, build on those relationships, take the time to really get to know them, spend more time with them, talk to them more, get to know them more, rely on them more, depend on them more, give them more opportunities to show up for you, because sometimes it may be trust issues. We don't want to rely on anybody, we don't want to ask for help. It may be various reasons, but look for the possibilities in your existing relationships with people you already have in your life. Take a moment, even if you need to write some names down, but just take a moment and look for the possibilities of the people you already have in your life. Is there anyone, even if it's just one or two people, because it don't have to be a lot of people?

Speaker 1: 31:12

I don't have a big circle of people of my chosen family, but I do have reliable people in my life who I consider to be my chosen family, and I will say this because, again, this is a relationship podcast who you consider to be your chosen family. They should also be chosen family for your partner or your spouse and for your children, if you have them, the people that are able to show up for you. They should also be showing up for your partner or your spouse and your family. When I was in Orlando, visiting one of my closest friends there, she and her husband hosted me one of the days that I was there and I had a beautiful time. We went and hung out, we had dinner reservations, we just had an amazing time and there was a time in my life where I prayed for something like that and now to be here living it on my flight home. I cried and it was happy tears, just to see the life that I'm living now versus what my life could have been. That's all I could think about. And it was because of the chosen family, the people that I have in my life, of the chosen family, the people that I have in my life.

Speaker 1: 32:58

I encourage you don't live on an island. God did not create us to be that way. I encourage you to let your guard down, your wall down, to love the people in your life and allow yourself to be loved as well. I hope today's episode has blessed you, encouraged you in some way. Remember I love you, but God loves you so much more, and I'll see you guys next week. Bye, bye, week Bye. I hope you guys have enjoyed. Follow me on Facebook at Demo with Mo. If you have any questions you would like answered here, live on my podcast, email them to me at Demo with Mo at gmailcom. That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O at gmailcom.