Mastering Difficult Conversations: Strengthening Relationships Through Effective Communication

Unlock the secrets to mastering difficult conversations in your romantic relationships with insights from psychologist Helene Brenner. Learn how to tackle sensitive subjects like finances and infidelity, navigate clashes in core values, and overcome poor communication hurdles. Together, we unpack the common fears that lead to avoidance and defensiveness, and why facing these issues head-on can prevent them from spiraling out of control. Our discussion aims to empower you to address unresolved past conflicts and foster a healthier dialogue with your partner that nurtures understanding and growth.

Join me, Monique Simmons, as we explore practical strategies for fostering positive and constructive communication in relationships. Discover the power of starting conversations on a positive note, utilizing "I" statements to express feelings without blame, and the impact of empathy in truly understanding your partner’s emotions. We delve into the importance of body language and staying focused to avoid unproductive detours. Through these strategies, learn how to work collaboratively towards shared goals, ensuring adaptability and progress in resolving conflicts. Let’s equip you with the tools you need to transform challenging conversations into opportunities for deeper connection and unity with your partner.

Chapters

• 0:06 Difficult Conversations in Relationships
• 11:50 Effective Communication in Relationships

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:06

What's up, guys? Welcome to Demo with Mo. I'm your host, monique Simmons. We'll be discussing dating, engaged and married objectives from a young Christian's perspective. Are you guys ready? Let's dive in. Hey, what's up, guys? Welcome to a new episode of Demo with Mo. I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we are going to be discussing having difficult conversations in romantic relationships. Before we jump into today's episode, we're going to take care of a little housekeeping business. If you are not already, stop what you're doing.

Speaker 1: 0:58

Take a moment and follow me on TikTok and Facebook at Demo with Mo on Facebook, if you would join our private community dating, engaged and married objectives. On there, we have a community of people where we talk about all things dating and relationships, marriage, parenting just a beautiful community of people where we have a great time, where we relate to one another. We talk about things that we go through in life all things, relationships, all things where we relate to one another. We talk about things that we go through in life all things, relationships, all things where we can support one another, share things in common, things about life Just a beautiful place, a beautiful place to be. We've had that community there since I've started this podcast and it is a great place for you to have a place with people who you share things in common with and people that are different from you Different age groups, different ethnicities, people who are single and dating, people who have been married for a long time, people who are newly married Just a shared space where, if you're looking for a community, this is the place to be, and you can find me on Instagram, at Demo, with Mo Podcasts, and I would love to have you. For those of you who have been rocking with me from the very beginning, I just want to say thank you. I haven't said that in a while, but I just want you to know I appreciate you. For those who may be new here welcome. I'm so glad to have you join me. I appreciate you, I really do. I don't take it for granted that you are here If this is your very first episode, if you have been here for a little while, or again, if you've been here from the very beginning. Wherever you found yourself on this journey with me, I don't take it for granted. Thank you so much for joining us with the Demo, with Mo community. I appreciate you. I really do appreciate you being here, but without further ado. Let's go ahead and jump into today's episode Again having difficult conversations in romantic relationships.

Speaker 1: 3:11

How do we have difficult conversations with our partners or our spouses? What even makes these conversations difficult? Well, I did a little research to figure out what are the key factors that contribute to a difficult conversation with your partner. What even makes the conversation be difficult? Because for some of us, it may be easy, certain conversations may be easy, and for others, that same conversation may be. We may be dreading it. We may be absolutely dreading it. We may be dreading it. We may be absolutely dreading it. So HeleneBrennercom, who's a licensed psychologist for over 30 plus years, she talked about some key factors that contribute to a difficult conversation with your partner. What makes this conversation be difficult? One sensitive subjects.

Speaker 1: 4:07

Discussing topics like finances, family issues, past relationships, infidelity or personal insecurities can trigger strong emotions and make a conversation challenging. Two disagreement on core values, something that's very important to you that may not be as important to your spouse or your partner. When partners have vastly different views on important life choices like child rearing, career paths or religious beliefs, it can lead to tense conversations. Have you ever been there? I definitely have. Number three poor communication skills. Not actively listening. Interrupting using accusatory language or failing to express needs clearly can escalate conflict and hinder productive dialogue. Four unresolved past issues If previous conflicts haven't been addressed properly, they can resurface and complicate current conversations.

Speaker 1: 5:25

Y'all ever heard of sweeping things under the rug? Yeah, that's what this is. When you don't properly address something the first time, or even the second time, what happens is when you're addressing something else, it's liable to come back up. Nine times out of 10, that thing is going to resurface and come back up. Six fear of hurting the other person. Sometimes bringing up a difficult topic can lead to worry about causing pain or damaging the relationship, making it hard to initiate the conversation. So if you're weighing out man, how's my partner or my spouse going to feel if I bring this up? If you're always constantly weighing that thing out, thinking about how they're going to feel, they can keep you from addressing things that really need to be addressed. Talking about things that really need to be addressed, talking about things that really need to be discussed, even though it may hurt your partner or your spouse's feelings, even if you may have to get your feelings hurt. Sometimes that's part of the territory, that's part of that comes with it, sometimes, because it's a difficult conversation, we may have to get our feelings hurt sometimes because this goes back to unresolved past issues. If we don't address it now, it's going to eventually come back up, it's going to have to be talked about. It's going to have to eventually be addressed anyway, so let's go ahead and deal with it right now.

Speaker 1: 7:04

Six defensive posture. When one partner becomes defensive or dismissive of the partner's concerns, it can shut down open communication and make it harder to reach a resolution. So if your partner, your spouse, is trying to address something, bring up a concern that they have, an issue that has come up in a relationship, instead of getting dismissive or defensive. Like, really hear them out, really hear what's going on in their heart, really hear their concern. And last but not least, number seven avoiding the conversation. Oh, that's a good one right here. If one partner tries to sidestep a difficult topic by changing the subject or withdrawing, it can prevent productive discussion. Okay, so let's go ahead and get into some ways or some tips for having difficult conversations. So now we've talked about the key factors that contribute to a difficult conversation with your partner or your spouse. So now let's talk about some tips on having the difficult conversations with our partners or our spouses and how we can do better going forward. And I'll encourage you.

Speaker 1: 8:44

Take inventory While you're listening to me. Give these tips, ways you can do better. Or if you're already doing this, I encourage you to take inventory. Take a moment if you have pen and paper, or if maybe you may be listening to this while you're walking or on a drive or washing dishes. Take a mental note, but take personal inventory. Don't point the finger at your partner or your spouse or maybe you want to send this episode to them or share with someone that you think this episode would help or they would enjoy or be beneficial to them. But I encourage you.

Speaker 1: 9:20

This is a personal one today. This is a personal one today. You take personal inventory. Where are you, say, where am I in this? Monique is giving me these tips on ways to have these difficult conversations with my partner or with my spouse. Where am I? Am I doing these tips that she's giving? Difficult conversations with my partner or with my spouse? Where am I? Am I doing these tips that she's giving? How am I doing these? Am I doing these well? Could I be doing better? Am I not doing them at all? Where am I? This is time for you to take accountability and do personal inventory, not point fingers. My partner could be doing this better. They're not doing this at all. I'm not doing it because they're not doing it. No, no, no, no. This is personal inventory. Where am I?

Speaker 1: 10:20

Number one be prepared. Plan what you want to say and when you can talk. So don't just jump out there you feeling upset, you got something you really want to get off your chest and you know, don't go in like that, don't go in hot like that, because it's not going to Think about the bigger picture. Because when you're having a difficult conversation, the bigger picture is I want to resolve this, I want to get in a better place, I want to fix the issue. Because usually when you're having a difficult conversation, you're upset, you're mad, your feelings hurt, you want to, you know. But the bigger picture is I want to resolve this, I want to fix the issue, I want to address this, I want to fix the issue, I want to address this, I want to be in a better place. So don't go in hot. Plan what you want to say, what is it that you want to talk about, what is it that you want to address and then plan when you can talk.

Speaker 1: 11:17

Maybe the best time to talk is not when you pick up the kids from school or daycare and you're fixing dinner. The house is hot and busy and a lot is going on. Maybe that's not the best time. Maybe after you put the kids to bed you guys have that one-on-one time and it's just you and your partner or your spouse. Or maybe the best time is when you guys have set aside some time and you're going on a date night. But plan what you wanna say and plan when you can talk.

Speaker 1: 11:50

Number two start positively, start on a good note. Don't go in. You never do this, you never do that. You always do this, you always do that. Don't go in hot like that because it goes back to the previous factors of what makes the conversation difficult. The person is going to automatically get defensive because you already own them. You're already coming in critical, you're already coming in hot. Start in on a positive note because, again, remember the bigger picture. You want to end in a good place. You want to end on a good note. You want to resolve this. You want to fix this. You want to be in a good place. Start on a positive note. Choose your words carefully.

Speaker 1: 12:35

Number three be respectful. Don't interrupt or speak down to your partner or your spouse. Speak to them the way you would want them to speak to you. That's self-explanatory. Don't cut them off while they're talking. Don't be ready to respond while they're talking, Like. Be respectful. Number four be an active listener. Ask questions and try to understand their perspective. So active listener is actually listening to them while they're talking. You know how sometimes people can be talking and we're on go, we're not even really listening to them because we're already actively putting our response together of what we're going to say to what they're saying. So we're not really listening to what they're saying. Like we hear the words coming out their mouth but we're not really listening. We're really not trying to hear their point of view, hear their perspective. We're really not concerned about how they feel. Be an active listener.

Speaker 1: 13:37

Five use I statements. Express your feelings and needs without blaming your partner. So don't go in and say you make me feel you always do this. I wouldn't have done this if you wouldn't have no take responsibility for how you feel in your actions. Use statements. I feel hurt by this, I feel alone, I feel sad, I feel upset, even though you still feel the ways you feel. Take responsibility and accountability for how you feel. Don't put it on your partner or your spouse. You still can address how you feel. You still can express how you feel, but use I statements.

Speaker 1: 14:29

Number six empathize. Try to understand and share your partner's feelings. You don't have to agree with how your partner or your spouse feels to understand and share your partner's feelings. I can see why you feel that way. I understand how you would feel that way. I'm sorry that you feel that way. Empathize with them the same way you would want them to empathize with you. They don't always agree with it, it doesn't always make sense to you, but you can empathize with somebody. You can come down to where they are. You can see how they would feel that way. That's empathy. You can see how they would feel that way. That's empathy.

Speaker 1: 15:21

Seven be aware of body language. If you can see how you are expressing yourself and maybe by your partner or your spouse's body language, that they're not receiving what you're saying, be aware of that. Be aware of your body language when you're speaking to your spouse. Maybe you're yelling, maybe you're rolling your neck and popping your mouth and you know, maybe you're getting loud and aggressive. You know, pay attention to the body language, because sometimes it's hard to receive what somebody is saying, even out of body language, because you can be saying one thing but sometimes it's not received. Well, just out of body language Because I can be saying something, but if I feel like you're not receiving it, just out of your body language, it can shut someone down. So be aware of that.

Speaker 1: 16:18

Number eight stay focused, stick to the topic and avoid tangents. So if you guys are going to have a conversation about finances, or you guys are going to have a conversation about parents, or you guys are going to have a conversation about your children, stay on the topic at hand. Don't have a conversation about finances and then go down the line about everything else that they're not doing or that you want them to do, about every other area in a relationship. Stay on the topic at hand. Avoid going on the tangent, because what will happen is you'll start talking about all these other things and what you guys desired to talk about, what you set aside time to actually talk about, it won't even get addressed because you went off on a tangent about everything else in the relationship and nothing got accomplished. Nothing got resolved.

Speaker 1: 17:16

Number nine work together, find common ground and work toward a shared goal. You guys are on the same team. Don't forget that. You guys are not enemies. Work together, find common ground. If you guys are dealing with finances, the issue at hand is finances. If you guys are dealing with finances, the issue at hand is finances. What's the common ground? We want to cancel debt, we want to get rid of debt. Okay, that's our common ground. Even though we have different views about it, different perspectives about it, we feel like we want to get there different ways. That's why we keep bumping heads and having issues, and now that's the reason we have to have this difficult conversation. Our common ground is we both agree that we want to get rid of debt. How do we work toward a shared goal? How can we compromise and get to the shared goal of counseling debt? How can we work together of counseling debt? How can we work together?

Speaker 1: 18:27

Number 10, evaluate your solution. So when you guys work together and figured out how you guys were going to counsel that debt, now you evaluate your solution After implementing what you discussed. Check in to see if it works. This is your last step, number 10. So you guys figured out how you're going to cancel that debt. Let's say, three months later, that was your goal. You said three months later, we're going to check in with one another and we're going to see how is it working, because something about relationships and marriages you guys don't have to keep doing things the same way. Yes, this is what we agreed on once upon a time. But if it's not working, you can change things, you can do things differently. So evaluate your solution. This is the way we, three months ago, we said at three months, we're going to check in with one another and we're going gonna see how this is working. We check them with each other. It's working doggone it. That's awesome. We're gonna keep going at it. But if, three months later, we check in and this is not working for either one of us, or even just one of us, it's not working let's go back to the table, let's go back to the drawing board and let's figure out another solution. And three months, months later, we'll check in again.

Speaker 1: 19:42

So these are your 10 steps, your 10 tips for having difficult conversations with our partners or our spouses. Difficult conversations are not easy, and that's in no relationship. That's platonic relationships, that's with family. That's what our partners, our spouses, our children, it doesn't matter who is with. Having difficult conversations is not easy. I'm not even finna. Sit here and pretend and and act like it is, and for some people it may. May, you know, there may be some unicorns out there it may be easy, but it wouldn't be called difficult conversations if it was easy.

Speaker 1: 20:27

But what I will tell you is beneficial, it's needed. It can ruin a relationship when these things need to be addressed and they need to be talked about and we avoid them and we don't have them Because the things that need to be addressed, they don't go away just because you don't have the conversation. It's just like a fire in a house, in a room Just because you don't put out the fire, the fire don't go away. The fire just gets bigger and it spreads, and it starts in one area of the house and then it spreads to the next area of the house and the next thing you know, your house is burned down and that's not what you want. So have the difficult conversations.

Speaker 1: 21:15

I hope these key factors that contribute to a difficult conversation and these tips on how to have the difficult conversations, I hope these practical things have helped you. I hope it has encouraged you and I hope it has helped you take a personal inventory of your own life, of your own relationship, of your own marriage, to see where you are and what you can do to be better, because that's the goal. None of us are perfect. None of us will ever be perfect. None of us is getting it all right. We can all grow. Every day we should be trying to grow. Every day we should be trying to be better Better partners, better spouses, better wives, better husbands. Every day, we should be trying to grow to be better. So I hope today's episode has helped you Totally helped me. I actually had this conversation in my Facebook community that I told you guys about last week and it encouraged me in such a way that I wanted to come back on the podcast and talk about it. So I really hope it helped you. Share this episode today with somebody that you know it would be beneficial to, because we all could grow in this area of having difficult conversations, because there's so many of us we don't want to have the difficult conversations, but we need to. Y'all we really need to. Our relationships would be in such a better place if we did the things that we are avoiding. Man, if we would just do it, oh how better our relationships would be. But again, I hope that today's episode has encouraged you. Remember I love you, but God loves you guys so much more and I'll see you next week. Bye, I hope you guys have enjoyed.

Speaker 1: 23:10

Follow me on Facebook. At Demo with Mo. If you have any questions you would like answered here live on my podcast, email them to me. At Demo with mo at gmailcom. That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O. At gmailcom.