D.E.M.O. with MO
D.E.M.O. with MO
Tearing Everything Down and Starting From Scratch
Rebuilding your life from the ground up isn't just possible—it's sometimes necessary for genuine transformation. In this deeply personal season opener, I share the unexpected resolution to my paternity journey and how discovering my biological father led to healing generational wounds.
When family secrets threatened to keep me trapped in uncertainty, I made the courageous choice to tear everything down and rebuild on truth. The painful distance that grew between me and the father who raised me initially felt like rejection, but through therapy, prayer, and persistence, I discovered something beautiful on the other side of loss—acceptance from my biological father, plus the opportunity to break cycles of secrecy for my children.
Whether you're facing a major crisis, stuck in an unfulfilling situation, trying to escape something toxic, or simply ready for personal transformation, I offer seven practical steps to guide your rebuilding process. From acknowledging emotions honestly to embracing gratitude for what remains, each step creates a foundation for moving forward with purpose and clarity.
This episode goes beyond my story to offer you tools for your own journey. You'll learn how to take inventory of your situation, establish realistic goals through small consistent steps, and shift your perspective to see opportunity where others might only see devastation. God doesn't waste our pain—sometimes what feels like destruction is actually preparation for something better.
Ready to stop carrying the weight of the past into your future? Listen now to discover how tearing everything down might be your first step toward the life you were meant to live. Then connect with me on Facebook or email your questions to DemoWithMo@gmail.com to continue the conversation.
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what's up guys? Welcome to demo with mo. I'm your host, monique simmons. We'll be discussing dating, engaged and married objectives from a young christian's perspective. Are you guys ready? Let's dive in.
Speaker 2:Hey, what's up guys. Welcome to a new episode of Demo with Mo. I am your host, monique Simmons. I'm so glad to be back joining you guys with a new season, season nine of Demo with Mo. It has been if you're listening to this live, it has been four months, four long months, since I have been with you guys and oh, how I have missed you.
Speaker 2:Today we are going to be discussing tearing everything down and starting over from scratch, so today's episode is going to be a little different. So today's episode is going to be a little different Since it's been a while now and my episodes are sometimes, most times, prevalent to my life, using wisdom as much as I can and as much as I should. So today is going to be this topic is going to be kind of an update on a major topic that we discussed on last year on August 8, 2024. The episode Uncovering Truth A Journey of Paternity and Healing. And that was an episode where I had a friend of mine come on and be a guest host and she interviewed me and she was she was counselor, and she came on and interviewed me and the episode was about me going into detail, about me finding out that my dad who raised me was not my biological father and now, with it being over a year since that episode and that interview, I wanted to give an update to tie it in with today's episode. So, tearing everything down and starting over from scratch, this statement signifies a complete life reboot. A complete life reboot following loss, a major setback or personal choice. It involves dismantling your current life and rebuilding a new, incorporating lessons learned from the past. This process can be triggered by external forces or be a deliberate choice to move on from a bad situation. So today, as I'm discussing today's episode, I'm going to go back and forth between today's episode and events from my life in the last year to tie me together.
Speaker 2:But as you're listening to me talk about an update from my life in the last year to tie me together, but as you're listening to me talk about an update about my life and something that transpired in my life personally, I want you to take a moment to see how this applies to you, one of the things that, if you've been following me for any amount of time, you know that I am one who encourages practical application. Don't just hear me discuss these things. Don't just let this be another podcast that you listen to on your podcast journey, because most of us who listen to podcasts, we don't just have one that we listen to. We usually have multiple podcasts that we listen to. Or if this is your first time here, welcome. I'm so glad to have you join us here and don't let this be one that you stumbled upon and it just be some words that you listen to today. But how can this apply to your life?
Speaker 2:Practically Meaning, when you finish today's episode, what are you going to do differently in your life? Because for me, this is not just words, this is not just another podcast episode, but these things have been applied for the last year of my life, when everything blew up, when everything hit the fan. These things have been applied to my life and I have been able to see the difference and still seeing the difference presently, and I know I will still see the difference in the future, going forward, and not only in my life, but in my children's life and their children's life. So this is going to be a generational effect. The thing that I did, what we're going to be talking about when you're tearing everything down, it doesn't only affect you, it affects those around you, it affects your baby and their baby and everyone that's attached to you. When you make the decision to do things differently, not to do things the way everyone around you is doing it.
Speaker 2:Things differently not to do things the way everyone around you is doing it not to continue on doing things the way everyone in your family has done it, everyone in your church has done it, everyone in society has done it. But when you choose to make the best decision for you, what God has told you to do, when you choose to tear it all down, no matter the consequences, no matter what people are going to think about you, no matter the judgment, no matter the eyes looking at you, no matter what people will think or say and for those of you who may not be aware, this is a podcast from a young Christian woman's perspective. So a lot of the things you're going to hear me talk about is going to be from that perspective. So when you're tearing things down and starting over from scratch, it will benefit you, but not only you. So from generations to come, that should even help you with your choice to tear things down, if things need to be tore down. By the time we get to the end of this episode, you will know you should know this one specific thing, because I'm updating you from last year's podcast interview. But there has been multiple things that I've had to tear down in my own life over the last couple of years, and it started over from sex, and it's not easy. I do want to preface this conversation with saying it's not easy. It's not easy at all, but I want to give you some practical tools and resources in our conversation today. It is going to help set you up for success. Last year, in our conversation on that podcast episode about my biological well, my father who raised me, not being my biological father. Well, just for summarization for those of you who may not have heard that episode, this is your first time encountering me and you may not want to go back and listen to that episode, which I highly encourage you to.
Speaker 2:When I was around the age of 19, ballpark figure, around the age of 19, my mom came and shared with my dad and I both at the same time, that he may not be my biological father and the reason why she felt prompted to share it was the man that she had also been with that could possibly be my biological father. She was working at a retail store at that time. She ended up seeing him at that retail store. He wasn't living here in the state that I reside in, that we live in, but he had moved back to take care of his age and parents. So she ended up seeing him and she said when she saw him I looked exactly like him and she could not lie to us anymore. So that's what prompted her telling me, because I know some of you guys are wondering, like why was she waiting for you? You're an adult now. Why is she just not telling your dad? You know why she lied so long she some of you may just think she should have took it to her grave. Everybody has their reasons, their speculations, their questions. You guys aren't thinking anything that I myself haven't thought of and I'm sure my dad probably thought of, even though we never once had a conversation about it. So years go on, my dad and I never talked about it. It was just like the elephant in the room in our family. It was never because my dad and my mom, they were already separated when she shared this news with us and I eventually got a divorce a couple of years after that conversation and no one ever once had a conversation about it again.
Speaker 2:So fast forward a couple years. I stopped talking to my mom. I was hurt, I was sad, I disappointed All the emotions you can think of. I was feeling. I stopped talking to my mom for a while and then I eventually started talking to her.
Speaker 2:So fast forward, the guy who she was saying could be my biological father. He began to reach out because my mom gave him my phone number and he wanted to have a relationship with me. Well, I felt like it would be rejecting or turning away from my dad if I would have a relationship with him. So I did, and that went on for a couple years. So eventually I ended up finally meeting with him, had dinner with him my husband and I had dinner with him, got to know him, enjoyed him, you know, and fast forward, we talked for a while. I ended up asking him for paternity leave. He agreed, but after that we lost communication. So after that lost communication.
Speaker 2:So after that, years went by. But in the midst of all of this, my dad, who raised me, he and I's relationship completely changed. For as long as I can remember, up until this point where my mom shared this information, and even a little while after that, my dad and I were very close. I was what people would say in society, a daddy's girl. I would have considered myself that I was very close to my dad, more so than my mom. But after that news, that bomb was dropped. Our relationship changed, and not because of me, not because I wanted the relationship changed, not because I looked at my dead end differently because I did and I still don't to this day but it changed.
Speaker 2:The calls became fewer, the visits, and this is as the years progressed. So it didn't immediately happen this way, but as the years progressed, especially once he found out that I actually started talking to this man. This is when it really began to grow. The calls became fewer, the visits became shorter and everything just changed. So, yeah, I got into therapy some years ago and I began to work all these out with my therapy and began to share these things with my therapy.
Speaker 2:So she told me what I should do. She gave me some options of different things that I could do, and we agreed upon one and it was to write my dad a letter, my dad who raised me. So I ended up writing him the letter and after I wrote the letter, the communication completely stopped, like it went from some calls, maybe a visit here and there, to nothing at all. And I won't go into the details about the letter, but it wasn't anything negative in the letter, but everything just stopped. All communication, everything stopped. So I had to still continue to do work in therapy. I'm still in therapy to this day, advocate for therapy, just saying, just saying. But I continued to do work in therapy and I have finally came to accept.
Speaker 2:Like this is, you know, this is what it is. Like this is just, this is what it is, and I was okay, though, and that's the only reason why I'm able to share this on this podcast today. I don't I don't encourage anyone to share their story if they're still in a hurt place or if you're not okay, and I'm not telling anyone what to do or what not to do, but when God is ready for you to share your story, to share your testimony, it's going to really really help people. It's going to really really help people and it's going to be for his glory. It should not be a harm or hurt to anyone. It should be when you are okay and not to justify anyone that may have hurt you or you felt like you'd be wrong.
Speaker 2:I had worked with my therapist and decided that I wanted to go on a journey to find out who my biological father was. I did not want to take this into the rest of my life because I've already understood where my dad was and I was okay with it, like I was okay with it, and I now want to find out who is my biological father and where do we go from here? I didn't want this cloud following me around. I didn't want to take this into the next generation. I didn't want my kids because I came from a generation between my husband and I both we came from a generation with parental issues and I just I didn't. I didn't want that for my, for my children. I didn't want that for my children's children. I just didn't want that. So, as much as I could do for me to do what I could, I wanted to do it. If someone chose to not be in relationship with me, to not talk to me, they had every right to make that decision for themselves. But if I had any part that I could play to make things right, to find out what I needed to find out and there was any way that I could do it I wanted to make sure I did everything that I could do.
Speaker 2:So I went on this journey of AncestryDNA, bought it for myself for Christmas and I ended up doing it. And, long story short, I ended up finding out that the man my mom had said the whole time was my biological father. He is my biological father. So when, on this whole journey of family members reaching out to me on ancestral DNA from my biological father's side welcoming me, it just was such a beautiful, beautiful experience for me personally to be what felt like rejection from the person who raised me to now be accepted, desired, wanted. And this has been a continuing thing because this is what was already happening years ago and I was rejecting him because I didn't even know he was my biological father. This is just hearsay information, you know, that wasn't for certain. But now I have these results back. He is my biological father and now to be desired, to be wanted, you know, to be to be sought after. It was just like a picture of how God seeks after his children, how he desires us, how he wants us. You know, when we feel rejected and unwanted by the world, when we feel all of these things, now the outside world, god is continuing to seek after us, to love us, to remind us he will never leave us, never forsake us, and it was just this beautiful picture of God just showing me who he is, not so much my biological father, which shout out to him, because he didn't know me, know me, you know he didn't raise me, none of those things. But shout out to him. But it was just God reminding me again and again and again who he is. It was more so about God for me, about my relationship with him and him revealing to me over and over again who he is. But again, shout out to my biological father. So I ended up reaching out to him and he and I reconnected and we have been in communication ever since. So I am grateful, so grateful, so so grateful for that. But we'll talk a little bit more as we get into today's episode.
Speaker 2:So, reasons for starting over One a major crisis or loss. This could be a financial crisis, job loss, divorce or house fire. In this case, starting over isn't a choice but a necessity. Okay, so, in this case, you really don't have a choice. You have to start over. You've been forced in a situation where you must start over. You must start over.
Speaker 2:Two unfulfilling life. You may feel your life is headed down the wrong path, filled with dissatisfaction or a lack of purpose. You may choose to tear it all down and build a new, more fulfilling life. Three ending a toxic situation. You might choose to leave a toxic job or relationship to build a life free from that negative influence. Four, last but not least, personal transformation. Personal transformation the experience may be a pivotal point for a person to embrace major personal growth and change.
Speaker 2:So, as you hear those four, because I told you practical applications, what you're going to do after you hear today's podcast episode, because I'm walking you through my experience. But today's episode is not so much about my experience, but I'm telling you what I'm able to do, what I've been able to do in the last year with applying this to my life. But what are you going to do after you've heard today's self-assert? What are you going to do after listening to this? Which one of these applies to you? Do you have a major crisis or loss? Do you have an unfulfilling life? Do you need to end a toxic situation, or do you need personal transformation, or none of these may not even apply to you, but you may know someone in the process where you are ready to tear it all down and start over from scratch. What are the key steps in doing it? What is my? This is the practical application and actually doing it. How can I do this. How can I tear it all down to start over? What am I going to be needing? What is it that I'm going to be needing to do when starting over? How do I start over?
Speaker 2:One acknowledge and process your emotions. Allow yourself to feel the loss, disappointment or grief, without judgment. Ignoring these feelings can lead to self-sabotage. This one right here is really good. So one of the things that I did with this one and I'm going to talk through this with a few of these, how I practically was able to apply this. So, for the last year for me, with this specific topic that I'm discussing today because, again I told you, there were multiple things in my life where I had to tear down. This wasn't the only area of my life, but, because this is the one that we're specifically talking about, this was a loss and a grief for me.
Speaker 2:You don't only grieve people when they pass away, when they leave this earth. You have to grieve the loss of relationships, even of people that are still living on this earth. I have to excel. I may never. And I say may because God is a redeeming God. He is a God of reconciliation. He can fix anything, but reconciliation takes two people. Both people have to be willing, but I have to accept the fact that I may never have a relationship with my dad, who raised me, ever again, and I have to accept it.
Speaker 2:And that was a hard thing for me and I had to grieve it and I had to really be honest with God, really be honest with God and really be honest with myself. And that's why I said acknowledge Acknowledge means you have to be honest and say what it is, say how you feel, not try to not try to like sugarcoat it and be like it'll be okay. You know he don't know what he's missing and he's gonna have to get over it. And no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Acknowledge the honest, be real about how you're feeling.
Speaker 2:I feel rejected by my father, by my father. That broke me, that the man that raised me my entire life walked out of my life, walked out of his grandchild's life and didn't even look back. I had to be honest with those feelings, acknowledging first to myself and then to God, so God can fill those voids. Those were voids. When that space is gone, when that person has left. That's now a void there, when the Bible talks about God being a father to the fatherless, not just a person whose father is not here on earth anymore, or not just a father to the person whose father has never been in their life, because I never thought about it in my context until I had to experience it personally. That's why the word is a living word, because what it could have meant to you last year, it can mean something completely different to where you are in your life right now and I never understood it in the way that I understand it now if I had a father not be there and God had to fill that void for me.
Speaker 2:But you have to acknowledge and be real, and I'm just thinking about my situation. What is your situation? What is it that you want to acknowledge, be real about? What is it you're facing? What is it you're going through? What is it you're not willing to shine a light on, but just saying it's okay, it's alright, you know A it and process your emotions. Don't just acknowledge it, but deal with those emotions. Whether you need to work with a therapist if you have one, because that was very beneficial to me Process it with your community, your church family. I hope you're in a church body, you're connected to a church body, so you're not trying to deal with this stuff on your own, by yourself, but you have to process those emotions and, it said, ignoring these feelings can lead to self-sabotage. You will sabotage your own self. You won't do the things that you know you need to do if you're ignoring it, if you're not acknowledging how you really feel, if you're not processing through those emotions, you will self-sabotage your own self. What's good for you, what's best for you, what you know you need to do, you won't even do it and you'll stand on the same area, going around doing the same stuff. You know means you know good, I could have still been in the same predicament that I was already in, in a relationship with my dad, the man who raised me. Not any, not not no real relationship, not a relationship a dad and daughter should have, you know, but one on the surface. What good is that for me? So what benefit is that for me? One where that elephant is always in the room, where you may not be my father, but nobody wants to talk about it, but you're treated that way, yeah.
Speaker 2:Number two take inventory of the current situation, assess your resources, evaluate what went wrong and understand your baseline for the rebuilding process. Okay, so this one is a little self-explanatory. So, assessing your resources, look over what do you have available to you, what resources do you have. Evaluate what went wrong. Go back to the root when did it all go wrong? And understand your baseline for the rebuilding process. Where can I start rebuilding with what I have and where it all went wrong, so that I don't do that again while I'm rebuilding.
Speaker 2:Three, find a new purpose. By imagining what you would build differently If you could start again, you can identify what you truly want. This is so good. Right now, I told you, guys, I have my biological dad and I have been in contact with one another and we've been talking a few times every month, um, since we reconnected with one another, and now I can think about what I want. What I want, because I told you what I didn't want. I told you what the relationship was since my mom told us to move all those years ago, and what I didn't want out of the relationship between the dad and the daughter. And now God has given me this opportunity to have a relationship with my biological father and now I can actually take the time out to figure out, monica, what do you actually want? You have reconnected with your biological father. What is it that you actually want out of a relationship with him? No, it won't look like your relationship with your dad, who raised you, because you had a relationship with him since he came, and it's what it looks like. But what do you, realistically, what do you want it to look like and what could you do differently so that it is the relationship that you want, so that it is a healthy relationship, so that it is a relationship that is beneficial to both you and him? What can you do differently? What is it that you want? And you do the same Find your new person. You're starting over.
Speaker 2:You have the privilege because it's a privilege, you have the privilege of starting over from scratch. You have the privilege of being able to look back in that rear view mirror, because it's talked about earlier in defining this statement and what it truly means. It's talked about being able to learn from your past. If you look back in that rearview mirror looking at your past decisions, your past mistakes, where you went wrong, what can you do differently? What do you want now? What decisions could you make to make sure you don't wind up back where you started? That's a privilege and it may not feel that way when you're starting all over again, when you're in the midst of the heartache, the pain, the tears, because I told you, I told you, I told you I grieved, I was hurt, I was sad. But it's a privilege to get, to start over and have the perspective that you have now, to have the knowledge that you have now, to have the wisdom that you have now, because you didn't have that. You didn't have that last time, but you have it now.
Speaker 2:Number five focus on self-care. Prioritize your physical and mental well-being by getting enough sleep, exercising and eating well. Small, positive actions build confidence and momentum. Six take small, consistent steps Instead of feeling overwhelmed by the entire task. Break your new goals into smaller, manageable actions. Repeated small successes will build confidence. Oh, this one right here is such a great one Because when you're starting over, especially if you have the perspective of looking at what you once had, it can be overwhelming because you want to get back to all of the things you once had. It can be overwhelming because you want to get back to all of the things you once had.
Speaker 2:For me, if I approach my relationship, building this new relationship with my biological father, if I was to approach it with. I want to have the relationship that I once had with my dad, to have the relationship that I want to have with my dad, not the relationship that we had before it all stopped, but the relationship that we once had before my mom gave us this news. If I was to compare it to that, that would be overwhelming because I would be trying to force a lot of things because I have other siblings, he has other children. It would be overwhelming to me. I'm not ready for all of this. Don't get me wrong. I am open. I want to meet my other siblings. I want to meet the rest of the family. I want my children and my husband to meet everyone. I want to eventually us to have a relationship their families with our families, our families with their families. That's my end goal. I would love nothing more, even if that doesn't happen. I'm open to that and I would love that. But if I was to have that perspective that that doesn't happen, I'm open to that and I would love that. But if I was to have that perspective that that needs to happen, because that's the kind of closeness that I had with my dad who raised me, even though that's not what it is now, but that's what it once was, before all of this news came out. That would be overwhelming. That would be overwhelming. That would be overwhelming.
Speaker 2:So to take small consistency, to not overwhelm myself, I could have these smaller, realistic goals that I could reach. That would eventually get me to my end goal. That's more realistic, that's more, that's not overwhelming. So the smaller goal could be I want to reach out at least once a week. I want us to talk at least once a week, and little things by day, and it can grow, the things can grow. I want us to meet up and have dinner once a month. I want us to eventually go to a public place and our families my husband meets his wife Like something small, and it continues to grow, but smaller, consistent, because consistent is the key word here. It's small but it's consistent. I mean you continue to make these small steps. Don't do a small step and then you stop, but you make a small step consistently. I think that's a really good one. And last but not least, number seven this is a chef's kiss. It ended it so perfectly.
Speaker 2:Embrace, gratitude, food, focus on what you still have rather than what you've lost. This shift in perspective provides a foundation for moving forward. Oh man, you guys, this has been the thing that has transported me to where I need to be. I could have gotten stuck. So many people who have gotten stuck. They're stuck, wallowing. They're stuck. Woe is me. They're stuck. Why did they do me like this? They're stuck. Why does it have to be this way? They're stuck. I don't deserve this. They're stuck. I don't deserve this. They're stuck. They're just stuck because they can't embrace gratitude.
Speaker 2:And let me say this I empathize with you because why did it have to be this way? I empathize with you because why did they have to do me like this? I empathize with you because I understand your feelings are valid, but you can't stay there. You cannot live there, because we have to get to a place where we focus on what we still have rather than what we've lost. I lost the man who raised me. I lost that relationship, but I gained a biological father. My kids lost a grandfather, but they have the opportunity to gain new family, and they also gain the opportunity to see their mom do something great, something courageous, something scary, to face what the enemy meant for my harm. He didn't mean it for my good, but God did and my kids got to see that I got to break something generational. You know how many families carry secrets, lies, shame. Don't want to talk about this big elephant in the room that everybody knows about but nobody talks about. You know how many, and I'm sure those of you who are listening to me right now I can bet my bottom last dollar. You who are listening to me right now can name at least one secret in your family right now that nobody will talk about but everybody knows about it. I said not mine, not mine, no more.
Speaker 2:I had a family member at an event, an event a few weeks ago and maybe even a month ago. I'm not good with timelines, but we were sitting down catching up. I hadn't seen his family number in years and we were catching up and he came up and he ended up asking me about my bed, and me being who I am is just who God has made me to be, because I am trying to shine my light for Christ, for the kingdom. The enemy is out here working, and he is working hard and God's people need to be working harder. So he ended up asking me about my dad and I ended up sharing with him everything that I've shared with you guys, but into more detail because he's my family. But I ended up sharing everything that happened, but letting him know the same. Like I'm good, I am good I was able to connect with and find out who my biological father is.
Speaker 2:And God is good, you know. God is good Because the enemy wants you to get stuck in the things that have hurt you, that have broken you, that have broken you, that have harmed you. He wants you to stay there. Don't stay there. Don't miss out on what you still have. Shift your perspective. Shift your perspective. Shift your perspective and I promise you, when you are able to shift your perspective, you can move forward into everything that God has for you. And that's how you're able to start over from scratch. God has to be that foundation. He has to be that foundation. And what is gratitude, man? That's today's episode tearing everything down and starting over from scratch. I hope you guys have enjoyed today's episode. Season 9, episode 1 we starting this thing off. I'm excited. I hope you guys have enjoyed today's episode. Season nine, episode one. We starting this thing off. I'm excited. I'm excited for this new season. Remember, I love you, but God loves you so much more. I'll see you guys next week. Bye.
Speaker 1:I hope you guys have enjoyed. Follow me on Facebook at Demo with Mo. If you have any questions you would like answered here live on my podcast, email them to me at Demo with Mo at gmailcom. That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O at gmailcom.